Dec 31, 2004

Like Sesame Street on Acid

The double entendres in this clip from the British television show Rainbow are pretty funny, in a horrifying sort of way. Evidently this segment was filmed as a joke and was never aired. But I'm glad to share it with you all now. (Apologies in advance to my lovely British friends who look upon this show fondly-- you may be scarred for life.) (Thanks, Screenhead.)

Dec 30, 2004

Scrabble Nazism

In past, I have been accused of being a Scrabble Nazi. Which I am not. (Hell, I let the word unleafy slide once to get a game over faster.) Fortunately, neither I nor anyone else I know is as bad as this. It would be pretty funny, though.

I Thought You Said It Was a Good Size!

Hysterical.

Dec 29, 2004

Gag Me with a Spune [sic]

I've heard of babies being dropped on their heads . . . but I think the parents who chose these names must have sustained head injuries themselves. Seriously. Tymphani and Symphaney? Zenith and Zurrenity? Mysteek and Madawna?

The Fantastik Jerry Orbach

Oh, no! Jerry Orbach is dead. That's so sad. He was so crankily avuncular, and a damn fine actor to boot.

Celebuskanks in My Bed. Er, Head.

Last night was undeniably bizarre. Not only did I wake up every hour on the quarter-hour beginning at 3:15, I also had the strangest dreams. (And it takes a lot for one of my dreams to be designated "strangest," as I have some pretty bloody odd dreams.)

First of all, I was Courtney Love's daughter. We were in a club at the top of a building in California with her hanger-on boyfriend and their little girl. Courtney was, unsurprisingly, being all drunk and belligerent. Then I got a phone call from Kate Bosworth, who wanted to know when I would be flying back to New Brunswick (New Jersey, not Canada) because she was going there too and wanted company. But she was flying back that same day and I wasn't leaving California for another week. Then Tara Reid called me and asked basically the same question. So I hooked up Kate and Tara, telling them that they should travel together. But when I went to dial Tara, I mistakenly dialed Paris Hilton, but hung up right away. (Yeah, right. If I had Paris Hilton's phone number, I would never stop prank calling that twit.) I remember remarking to Courtney-mom that, "It's like all of Page Six is calling me today!" Even in my dream I found it inexplicable.

Then I got in the elevator to leave the club and saw myself in the metallic doors. I had lots of curly auburn hair and big tits and, well, looked like Lindsay Lohan. (In reality, I look nothing like her.) After going down in the elevator, I realized I forgot my purse at the club and had to go back to get it. Then the dream switched to some sort of political event and I had to climb over Bush and Cheney to get to the bathroom.

No, I'm not on drugs.

Dec 28, 2004

Update

Here are some options for ways in which you can help.

Loose Ends

I hope everyone who celebrated had a very merry Christmas; mine went surprisingly well.

In other, significantly more depressing news, the death toll in South Asia has reached approximately 40,000, a third of which is comprised of children. How awful. I have to go find out if there's anything I can do to help. Expect a follow-up post.

Dec 23, 2004

Mmm, Pi . . .

So this is kind of nifty. It converts the first 10,000 digits of pi into a musical sequence. Takes a very long time to play, but it's fairly pleasant to hear, actually. (Well, on the C scale. That's the only one I've heard so far.) Oh, and there may be a few errors in it, thought I couldn't attest to that. (Thanks Zack, by way of Afshin.)

Attack of the Clone

Shit, man. $50,000 for a clone of your cat? Doesn't seem worth it to me. Seems morally reprehensible, in fact. Let's hope my mom doesn't hear about it. Our dog is getting old . . .

Dec 22, 2004

Lumpy Men in Costume

Oh Jeebus. There is something worse than the Tron guy. And it's this guy. Be forewarned: you may go blind after looking at these images.

Dec 21, 2004

Sad But True

This article is so totally about my family. Horrifying, isn't it?

Random Observation

So, not that you, my two dear readers, care, but I feel like sharing anyway. I'm wearing a new scent of deodorant today and I keep getting distracted by the fragrance. I'm not used to it. I don't smell like me. I smell like someone better-scented. Score.

Dec 20, 2004

Scaredy Claus

Oh, everyone's had one of these experiences. The first time I went to see Santa they had to snap the picture really quickly before I burst into tears. Eh, it happens. Some of the expressions in the photo gallery are great, though.

Dec 15, 2004

Trippy

This is strangely mesmerizing. (Thanks, Jeremy.)

Everything's Better With Bunnies

How is it possible that I hadn't already discovered this site? It shows bunnies reenacting movies in 30 seconds. Bunnies. How could I have missed it up until now? What genius! (Thanks, Screenhead.)

Dec 14, 2004

Remember, Nothing Says 'Good Job' Like a Firm, Open-Palm Slap on the Behind

Why do I doubt that this is a real anti-sexual harrassment video?

Crap You Don't Need

So, new from the Department of Crap You Don't Need, here are Shuga Buds! Yes, now you can have rhinestone-encrusted earphones. 'Cause those are really practical. Comfy, too, no doubt. (Thanks, Gizmodo.)

(Aren't you glad that I don't actually want a pair? My taste has decidedly improved.)

Dec 10, 2004

Impure Thoughts

While tootling around on Google, I found a link to a page called BJU. As I have a moderately dirty mind, I thought it had to be a fake. But I clicked on the link, and up popped the homepage for Bob Jones University. According to their mission statement:

Bob Jones University exists as a training center for Christians from around the world. The goal of the administration, faculty, and staff is to equip its students for a lifetime of service to Christ.

So, for what are the little Christians being "trained"? What is this "service" they perform? These seem like highly relevant questions when your alma mater is called BJU.

Wondering About Wonka

Well, the trailer for the Tim Burton/Johnny Depp version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is out, about, and circulating online. Unfortunately, it's so spastically edited that it's impossible to get a sense of whether or not the movie will be any good. It has great potential to be either fantastic or completely bloody awful. One thing is apparent from the trailer, though: Johnny Depp's wig was a big mistake. He looks like a hausfrau with a top hat. (Thanks, Screenhead.)

Dec 9, 2004

Tickets for Tots

What a great idea. The city of Boston is allowing people to pay off their parking tickets with toys of equal value instead of paying the fine. Unfortunately, this only applies to tickets given on December 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. I think that they should extend it and periodically set up similar exchange programs (asking for canned food, or clothing, etc.). And more cities should follow Boston's example. (Thanks, Fark.)

Dec 8, 2004

What's Next? Mini Me as Baby Jesus?

There's no denying it-- this is funny shit. (Unless you happen to be deeply religious.) Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in London has set up a nativity scene featuring David Beckham as Joseph, Victoria Beckham as Mary, and Kylie Minogue as an angel. The shepherds are Samuel L. Jackson, Hugh Grant, and Graham Norton. Better yet, the three wise men are Tony Blair, the Duke of Edinburgh, and George W. Bush. (Yeah, I'm baffled about that last selection, too.) There are some great pictures of the unholy nativity here.

Mocking the Marrieds

Some of these hypothetical conversations are kind of lame, but I loved this one. Primarily because Sam Malone is in it.

Dec 7, 2004

Bill O'Reilly = Ebenezer Scrooge on Crack

Look, you bombastic, egotistical ass hat, saying "happy holidays" doesn't offend people. Well, not sane people. It covers everything from Christmas and Hanukkah to New Year's Eve and Kwanzaa. (Okay, the last one is probably a sham holiday celebrated only by the people who dreamed it up in the first place, but it still supports my point.) The phrase is inclusive and the perfect solution when faced with sending season's greetings to someone of uncertain faith. I'm sure O'Reilly is just falling into the customary lockstep of the religious right, but really, isn't this an awfully petty thing to ruffle feathers? If you want to protest something, protest the commercialism of the season instead. That makes a bit more sense than having a hissy fit that merry Christmas signs aren't plastered across every window in town.

Dec 6, 2004

Maureen Dowd = Ebenezer Scrooge

I have major problems with Maureen Dowd. Mostly that I don't think she writes well, yet sounds so very pompous. So this week she's finally come out of her Christmas closet and decreed that she--gasp!--hates the holidays. Personally, I think she's being all cantankerous just to get our attention. Look at how much she's been advertising her uniqueness lately. In two of her last three columns, she depicts herself as completely unlike the rest of her family. (This is the earlier column.) Okay, Maureen. We get it. You're special. Now go write about something interesting.

Dec 3, 2004

William Hung's Successor

I sincerely hope that this guy is joking. It doesn't sound it, though. Lord. At least I have the good sense to realize I can't sing and should avoid participating in/watching reality shows.

Iron Cock

As if it weren't crazy enough that some guys can crack concrete with their feet and slice through beer cans with their hands, this guy can lift weights with his penis. What will they think of next? (Thanks, Screenhead.)

Dec 2, 2004

Gaiety

I don't know what to say about this video. It's another homemade music video, à la Aicha, but are we witnessing a performance or a breakdown? I don't know. I just don't know. (Thanks, Screenhead.)

On the Rocks

Whoa. The Algonquin Hotel is now offering a $10,000 martini, complete with a loose diamond at the bottom of the glass. While I find that greatly entertaining (if somewhat extravagant), I rather wonder as to the point. Sure, you can impress your lady friend by buying her a blingalicious martini, but it's not like she can scoop out the diamond and wear it. It would still need to be set.

I think one of Lana Turner's husbands had the right idea. Multimillionaire Bob Topping proposed by dropping a diamond ring into her martini. Of course she accepted.

Dec 1, 2004

Strong Bad's New Friend

For those of you who were distressed about the demise of Compy, here's Lappy!

Ooh, Shiny!

So King Tut's coming back to the US. Pretty exciting. If he makes it to the Brooklyn Museum, I'm totally gonna be there. Too bad about the Met, though. That's deplorable that he won't be stopping there. Especially since he could chill in the Temple of Dendur. That would be awesome.

Nov 30, 2004

Fucking A(merica)!

Apparently this song is from Team America but, as I have not yet seen the movie, it was entirely new to me. The video, however, is most definitely not from the film. Entertaining and rousing and shit, though. (No, I said rousing, not arousing.) Now, to combat this steroidal overdose of testosterone, I'm listening to Buddy Holly, who was hardly what one would call butch. (I didn't want to go to extremes and listen to emo-- I have no desire to be depressed by a bunch of skinny, whiny bedheaded manboys.)

Nov 29, 2004

Armed Cows

This is pretty funny, not to mention catchy. Almost makes me want to go veggie. But then I imagine a nice, juicy bacon cheeseburger and I promptly rescind such hippiefied thoughts. (Thanks, Screenhead.)

Thanksgiving Reminiscences

Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving and all. I think I'm still enduring a tryptophan hangover.

Meanwhile, I thought I'd thought I'd share my favorite Thanksgiving memory with you: one year, at my grandparents' house, my grandfather was cooking dinner as usual. But, as often happens when one is simultaneously preparing many dishes in a small kitchen, he sort of ran out of space. So he disappeared into the bathroom and, a few minutes later, I overheard him saying, "Oh shit." He was straining the squash over the bathtub and, unfortunately, dropped the squash into the tub. Very few people ate the squash at that meal.

Nov 24, 2004

Stomach-Turning

Sweet jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. There exists turkey-and-gravy flavored soda. Ugh. I quite literally shuddered throughout the course of reading this article, in which five brave souls taste test the Jones Soda Holiday Pack. I hope they all have fantastic health insurance.

Dead Queen

This video (the first listed) is downright entertaining. Sure, I don't quite get the poodles. And I wish it were for the original Queen version of Radio Ga Ga rather than a cover, but whatever. It's funny nonetheless. Shake your booty, Freddie Mercury's ghost! (Thanks, Screenhead.)

Rudy's a Big Girl Now

Oh my god. Little Rudy Huxtable (aka Keshia Knight-Pulliam) is all grown up-- and scantily-clad. Surprisingly, she's hot, too. Thank goodness she grew out of that awkward preteen-with-a-slight-mustache phase. (Thanks, Defamer.)

Nov 23, 2004

Classic

This just makes me happy. It's so, well, purple.

Nov 22, 2004

Dragons for Jesus

This is one of the most bizarre sites I've come across in a long, long time. And there are some weirdos out in the ether. But this guy takes the cake. He's a born-again shifter, i.e. a Christian who thinks he's a dragon. Personally, I think any number of his problems can be explained in this little excerpt from his diatribe about why he hates fantasy and role-playing games:

1. I hate FRPG's because the people who play them irritate me. Most FRPG players are little snobs that won't let truly intelligent people like myself join their games. And if I do join their game, their characters snub mine because they are different. I get my character killed off because I made the mistake of looking different. That's why I accuse FRPG's of teaching racism.

So, basically, he's too wacked-out for even the D&D crowd. (Thanks, BoingBoing.)

Nov 19, 2004

Seeing Is Believing?

Damn, yo. Talk about false advertising! (Thanks, Screenhead.)

Bad Similes

According to Jennifer Steinhauer for the New York Times:

Mr. Bloomberg is convinced that this work will draw tourists from around the world, some of them public art buffs who traipse to works like turtle watchers to the Galápagos Islands.

Really? Like turtle watchers to the Galápagos Islands? What about like moths to a flame? Not obscure enough for you, Jennifer? What about like Trekkies to sci fi conventions? Not pretentious enough for you, Jennifer? A word of warning, Jennifer: crappy metaphors will land you squarely in Maureen Dowd-land. And nobody likes it there.

Okay, Okay, Fuck the South

So people keep showing me this site, and it is entertaining. Scarily apt, too. So, to borrow a quote from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, "Fuck them up their stupid asses." Nothing like class, man.

Nov 18, 2004

Timmy's Wish

I think the verdict is unanimous: this is so wrong. But sooo entertaining. I love the various Psycho references, especially the drain-into-teddy bear's-eye bit. (Thanks, Screenhead.)

Nov 17, 2004

I Think I'm a Geek

So I'm reading William Gibson's Count Zero, sequel to Neuromancer and prequel to Mona Lisa Overdrive, and I just realized a couple of things. In Hackers, the Jonny Lee Miller character went by the handle Zero Cool. The virus in the film is called the Da Vinci virus. (At the risk of sounding obvious, Da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa.) And the corporation's mainframes are called Gibsons. (Yeah, well, that one's a giveaway.) Coincidences? I think not.

On a related note, I would love to see someone make Neuromancer into a film. It's such a spectactular book. But they'd probably ruin it, and audiences would think that it's a ripoff of The Matrix rather than a precursor.

The Grey Video

This is worth watching, if only to see Ringo scratching. Pretty well done, even even though it doesn't actually look like John's breakdancing.

Nov 16, 2004

Taking on the Times

Hm. There seem to be several things of interest in the Times today. First, I should like to ask what sort of crack the military is smoking:

Months ago, the Army said some of the former soldiers would be needed to play the French horn, the clarinet, the euphonium, the saxophone and the electric bass as part of the military's bands, but the notion drew criticism from members of Congress who questioned the need to order people to give up their civilian lives to play instruments. Colonel Hart said the Army has since filled the musician jobs with volunteers.

When the Army is shortstaffed as is, they need musicians? Not the first jobs I'd fill if it were up to me.

In other Timesian news, I'm glad I forwent the free tickets and skipped Eve Ensler's The Good Body. It sounds like The Vagina Monologues for stomachs.

And, finally, it looks like I have yet another reason to blame my parents.

Nov 15, 2004

Yup, Yup. Cereal's Awesome. Even the Times Says So.

Yesterday must have been a slow news day, because the Times featured an article about college students and their cereal-eating habits. Made me very hungry.

For the record, I should like to say that cereal's awesome: relatively cheap, portable, and delicious. My favorite is Lucky Charms, but I eat that dry. With milk I like Cap'n Crunch, Basic 4, and some crunchy healthy raspberry ginger organic cereal.

Nov 12, 2004

Unintentionally Funny Product Names Strike Again!

The company's anti-piracy offering comprises two technologies. The first, PirateEye, detects camcorders and pinhole cameras in the act of bootlegging movies, according to Trakstar.

Who named this product? Either someone totally clueless or with an overdeveloped sense of humor. Yet another entry in the field of poorly-named products like the MooLatte and Boo Bee. (Thanks, BoingBoing.)

Snark Value

Obviously, I haven't yet seen Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, so I can't comment on the quality (or lack thereof) of the film. My qualm with this review is that, about five paragraphs down, Dargis says, point blank, that she didn't like the book. In fact, she "couldn't stand" parts of it. So, what genius over at the Times decided that someone who disliked the book should review the film? I'm certainly not advocating that someone who was gung-ho, head-over-heels crazy about the book should have reviewed the movie, either; that's just as irresponsible. What I'm in favor of is giving the film a fighting chance. The Times review seemed composed entirely for snark value.

Nov 10, 2004

Am I Missing Something?

According to the New York Times: "Men want to sleep with Julia Roberts, but they want to marry Meg Ryan." What the fuck? Who wants to sleep with Julia "Mr. Ed" Roberts? Who wants to marry Meg "Bedhead" Ryan? Not I.

Click Your Heels Three Times . . .

Admit it-- we all want ruby slippers. Fine, if you won't admit it, I will. I want ruby slippers. I own a couple of pairs, though they're sadly nonmagical. This is a pretty solid site for pictures and info about the assorted slippers made for the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz. Some of the fan-made versions are rather impressive, too. Some of the pictures are simply drool-worthy. Yet another example of shoe porn.

I Thought Gay Men Were Supposed to Have Style

But this guy disproves it. At least he clearly has a sense of humor. Not to mention one of the most impressive collections of revoltingly ugly sweaters ever created. Eat your heart out, Dr. Huxtable. (Thanks, BoingBoing.)

Nov 9, 2004

Regression

Oooh! Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer is out on DVD! I want it, even while knowing that it's not going to be nearly as cool as I thought it was when I was five. I once had the most awesome dream, in which I was Rainbow Brite, complete with the magical color belt. It rocked. In case anyone's interested, this site is a pretty good source for Rainbow Brite-obilia. Though I cannot believe how freaking ugly the dolls were. I owned them and I didn't think they were that hideous.

Nov 8, 2004

When Cameramen Get Bored

Don't be dismayed-- this clip doesn't seem all that compelling at first, but trust me. It gets there.

I Have a New Passion

And it's this site. This was totally designed for tv junkies like me. (I should clarify-- I watch good tv, not just any old crap that's on. Preferably shows and movies that are at least two or three decades old.) Thanks, Afshin.

Nov 5, 2004

I Am Truly a Trendsetter

When I interned at the Film Society of Lincoln Center a few summers ago, one of the perks was that I got to watch all the New York Film Festival submissions that I wanted. And, even better, after the selections had been made, I was allowed to take home any of the films that didn't make the cut. I think the only two that I liked well enough to take home were this great Czech musical set in the late '60s called Rebelove (unfortunately, the tape's in PAL format and I haven't managed to get it converted to VHS yet), and this short film called Slo-Mo. Evidently I am not alone in my admiration of this quirky little short (which, incidentally, featured Katherine Moennig, who now stars on The L Word). Now they're turning it into a feature-length movie. I was so all over this one years ago.

Yay Boots!

Awesome. Boots products are coming to the US. I loved Boots when I was in London and desperately wish they'd open a few locations in the States. Preferably in New York. Ideally a block from my apartment. Yeah, that might be rather wishful thinking. But hey, an H&M just opened near me-- that's a start, right?

Nov 4, 2004

A Word of Warning (Illustrated Version)

This wouldn't be nearly as funny if the original picture weren't so fantastic. What a priceless expression. (Thanks, Screenhead.)

Also, note that it's a Columbia address. Shows you what's up with Columbians these days. Ya crazy kids. Back in my day we went to class and wrote papers. And ate lots of vodka jelly.

Ooh, This One's Embarrassing

The British tabloids are really the most entertaining pieces of crap. It's not necessarily that they get the facts wrong; the screaming, hyperventilating, caps-lock enthusiasm of the headlines just makes all news funny, regardless of how tragic the situation might be. Case in point. (Thanks, Gawker.)

Nov 3, 2004

Yeah Turducken

I know it's a little late for Halloween, but here's Homestar's take on the holiday.

Necessary Distractions

Ugh. I feel physically sullied. And I'm further convinced that New York City has no business being part of the rest of the US. What the hell do we have in common, anyway? Secession is sounding ever more attractive.

To keep you distracted and calm without resorting to heavy sedation, here is a funny (and nicely done) little cartoon for you. (Thanks, Screenhead.)

Nov 2, 2004

Full of Shat

I do apologize for all the random Shatner posts of late, but I am a latecomer to the wacky world of Shatland. This site is fairly amusing, primarily for its title. And the Kama Shatra, of course. (Thanks, Screenhead.)

Yeah, Well, Your Mom!

Watch Bush give the one-fingered victory salute. (He would call it something hokey like that, wouldn't he?)

Nov 1, 2004

Oct 29, 2004

Nintendo and the Suicide Girls Kiss and Make Up

It seemed both pretty amusing and astonishingly stupid that Nintendo would send Suicide Girls a letter complaining that the site was infringing on its intellectual property because one of the members had listed some Nintendo games as favorites in his profile. Evidently there had been some confusion. But it's all straightened out-- Nintendo, behaving quite like the gentleman, apologized. And offered Suicide Girls some free games. Now that's truly gentlemanlike.

"Aren't there any terrorists out there?"

Evidently the Department of Homeland Security has some free time on its hands. Officers recently paid a little visit to a toy shop owner, asking that she stop carrying Magic Cubes, as they were a illegal copies of Rubik's Cubes. Turns out that the patent had already expired. This seems wrong (not to mention a waste) on so many levels . . . (Thanks, Boing Boing.)

Oct 28, 2004

As If You Needed Another Reason

According to Seth MacFarlane (who, if you read my blog at all, you should know is the creator of Family Guy), "It's imperative that [Bush] be voted out of office-- for the sake of comedy." Seth MacFarlane says to vote for Kerry; what more motivation do you need? Listen to the interview about Family Guy, American Dad, and politics here.

Cross-Dressing Jews! Oh Yeah. And Murder.

You have to love the deck of this Daily New article. I have no real quibble with the headline, "Cross-dressed to kill," but the deck, "Cops say Rabbi's roomie was in beard & eye shadow" is somewhat problematic. Call me crazy, but isn't the fact that, well, someone's dead more important than what his alleged killer was wearing?

Pornorific

This is clearly an incomplete listing (it's missing Saving Ryan's Privates, for instance), but it's a good point of entry (hah!) into the wonderful world of knockoff porn titles. Gotta love such classics as The Poonies, Tits a Wonderful Life, and Throbbin Hood. (Thanks, NewYorkish.)

Oh Happy Day!

The Sox won the World Series. Really. Not in Bizarro World, right here in this one. It's unfreakingbelievable. And awesome.

Oct 27, 2004

Obvious

Every website, blog, and newspaper out there seems to be endorsing a candidate. So I might as well come out with it and tell you to vote for Kerry. I know that was a shocker, but try not to get your knickers in a twist. Just go vote.

Musings From James Bond

While reading For Your Eyes Only last night, I came across the most random, un-Bond-like passage. I suppose Fleming decided that his short stories were the right outlet to express his more creative urges. So, without further ado, I give you the meditations of James Bond:

Was this a hill or a mountain? At what height does a hill become a mountain? Why don't they manufacture something out of the silver bark of birch trees? It looks so useful and valuable. The best things in America are chipmunks, and oyster stew. In the evening darkness doesn't really fall, it rises. When you sit on top of a mountain and watch the sun go down behind the mountain opposite, the darkness rises up to you out of the valley. Will the birds one day lose their fear of man? It must be centuries since man has killed a small bird for food in these woods, yet they are still afraid. Who was this Ethan Allen who commanded the Green Mountain Boys of Vermont? Now, in American motels, they advertise Ethan Allen furniture as an attraction. Why? Did he make furniture? Army boots should have rubber soles like these.

Oct 26, 2004

Something Serious

This is worth considering, particularly the vote pairing part. I'm contemplating it, although it does make me a bit nervous. Will have to give it some thought, but pretty quickly.

Something Frivolous

Oh dear. Way to not complete the sentence. Those wacky Brits.

Oct 25, 2004

Announcing Chris "Christmas" Rodriguez!

Do I understand the content of the page? No. Do I understand the point of these clips? No. Do I find them funny? Oh yes. (Thanks, Screenhead.)

Of Course Chocolate Lollipops Are Best

Yeah, this is deeply silly but kinda cute: Homestar vs. Little Girl.

Oct 22, 2004

So Many TV Commitments, So Little Time

I may have to watch this, even though I've never watched Degrassi before. I half wish they really would make a movie called Jay and Silent Bob Go Canadian, Eh?. Okay, I more than half wish. (Thanks, Boing Boing.)

Oct 21, 2004

Boobies!

Yeah, I know that talking about Lindsay Lohan's fake tits is so passé, but singing about them? That's another story. (Thanks, Screenhead.)

Anti-Remake Tirade

Am really pissed off. They're remaking the 1939 classic, The Women. They're stuffing it full of random actresses like Sandra Bullock, Annette Bening, Uma Thurman, Meg Ryan, and Ashley Judd and are undoubtedly pc-ifying it. Goddamn them! Damn them all to hell! I love that movie and they're going to take it and fuck it up. Sure, it was rather misogynistic to begin with, but it was a product of its time. It's still damn funny, full of great dialogue and fantastic performances. And how do you ever replace Rosalind Russell? You don't.

Now I feel somewhere between cranky and furious. And the day had started out so well (see the Red Sox post). Thanks, Defamer, for ruining my day. Bah.

The Blind Fighting the Blind

Yesterday, as I was boarding the F train at West 4th, the doors opened on a sight so absurd I am forced to share it with you. There was a blind man singing for change, which is not unusual. He was trying to walk up the train lengthwise, poking his cane out in front of him. The problem arose when a blind woman wanted to get off at the West 4th stop and tried to cross to the door. Their paths intersected perpendicularly and their canes got tangled. They had a bit of a low-level sword fight. The whole car watched in a state of stupefaction, unsure whether to laugh, help, or just stare like big-mouthed bass. It was rather a South Park moment, where you knew you shouldn't find it funny, but it just was.

I Am an Unpopular Person in New York Today

It is indeed a happy day. The Red Sox won, thereby effectively curtailing the sale of those obnoxious "Who's your daddy?" t-shirts.

For anyone who is surprised that I'm posting about anything sports-related, I should explain that I was born just outside of Boston. It's in the blood, man.

Update: Stumbled across this wonderful conversation and wanted to share it with the world. Or with the two of you who read my blog at least.

Oct 20, 2004

The Good, the Awful, and the Ugly

As long as I'm in superficial mode today, I might as well point out these two sites, both of which provide great amusement if you have a taste for epicaricacy. (Or schadenfreude if you prefer.)

Good.
Awful.

Dear Santa . . .

In case anyone wants to know, this is what I want for Christmas. Not the choker, the bra. Sounds like I need to dig up a sugar daddy.

Oct 19, 2004

Rocket Men

I have long found Stewie Griffin's version of the Elton John/Bernie Taupin song Rocket Man hysterical. But, thanks to Afshin, I just yesterday found out that his wacked-out routine is based on an even weirder version by William Shatner. Shatner performed his interpretation at the 1978 Science Fiction Film Awards. (Yeah, that would be the only place he could get away with it.)

Here are clips for your viewing pleasure:
Stewie version
Shatner version

Eggsellent

I think I'll quote this morning's email from Alan verbatim:

Oh my f'ing god you have to check this out.

He's right.

Oct 18, 2004

I. Would. Kill.

If I were this girl, I would disembowel my boyfriend. (Looks NSFW, but it's fine.)

Crimes of (Pet) Fashion

Forgot to post this last week, but it's entertaining whenever you hear it. Was walking to work on Friday when I passed this man leaving his apartment building with a chihuahua on a leash. Not particularly butch, but not too horrendous-- except that the rat-dog was wearing a neon pink crocheted sweater. I chuckled quietly; a man sweeping the street burst out laughing. I figure the guy with the dog probably walked about a block before getting a sound ass-kicking. (Well, this is the Bronx.)

Oct 15, 2004

Enlightenment

To set the record straight, as this is a conversation I've had numerous times lately, Sir Ben Kingsley is indeed of Indian descent. He was born Krishna Pandit Bhanji, in fact. So his casting in Ghandi makes significantly more sense. Just wanted to clarify.

Worry, Be Happy!

This is totally my life-- stressful, but cute. Another gem from Engrish.

Oct 14, 2004

All Things Bond

As I'm currently working my way through the whole series of James Bond novels, I'm a bit obsessed at the moment. Hell, in my dream last night I was putting handfuls of stolen diamonds into my purse. (Yeah, I just finished Diamonds Are Forever.) So I thought this site was pretty nifty if you have a hankering for some Bond-themed art.

Oct 13, 2004

Contraband

These are two of the most entertaining clips I've ever seen. Really. Should they be taken down from the sites I've linked to, let me know and I'll see what I can do. Fucking with kids' shows is fun.

This one is technically awesome, not to mention rather cute. (No, it doesn't involve either cats or pandas.)

This one is less skillfully executed, but hilarious anyway.

More Motivation to Vote

If this doesn't get you out to vote, I don't know what will. (Thanks, Terence.)

Dissing the Dead

If the Christopher Reeve Paralysis Act really was simply a redundant "feel good" bill, I'm not sure that it's vitally important that it wasn't passed. However, if someone objected to it based primarily on Reeve's support of stem-cell research (which the bill reportedly does not mention) and shot it down on that premise alone, it really is callous. And completely disrespectful so soon after Reeve's death. This article is a bit hyperbolic (and obviously partisan), but informative/infuriating nonetheless.

Oct 12, 2004

Superhero

What is the world coming to when even Superman is dead? And all I can think of is that damn South Park episode where Christopher Reeve sucks the blood out of fetuses to gain strength. I feel like such a bitch.

Mean Drunk

No, this was not about me. Could have been, but it wasn't. Damn funny, though.

Oct 6, 2004

Update

Am taking a brief leave of absence from the blog. In the midst of a slight medical emergency here. Total bedlam, but no worries.

Oct 4, 2004

More Sadness

Janet Leigh died today, which I find so sad. She always seemed like such a lovely person and was good actress to boot. At least she died more peacefully than her character in Psycho did.

I Have Been Vindicated!

I have long insisted that the sailboat (or, more precisely, the schooner) stereogram in Mallrats is not actually a picture of a boat, but something involving circles. Yeah, I actually tried to sort out the picture once while sitting inches away from the tv screen. And now I have more evidence to further my claim. According to IMDB:

The MagicEye "sailboat" picture is actually a 4x3 matrix of geometric shapes consisting of a cross, a circle, a diamond, a star, 4 segmented circles and 4 cones.

Oct 1, 2004

Another Obit

Photographer Richard Avedon just died. Pretty sad. I don't know much about Avedon, except that Fred Astaire's character in Funny Face was based on him. That alone makes me think kindly of him. May start perusing Avedon photographs in tribute.

Vintage iPods and GameBoys?

Always classic-- a charming gallery of vintage ads (for modern products) from Worth 1000.

Sep 30, 2004

Presidential Debate Malaise

What an election. Kerry bores me, Bush angers me. (Note to Prez: Saying something doesn't make it so, buddy.) For terribly pragmatic, rather entertaining, though not exactly inspiring, observations, check out this site.

Separated at Birth

This guy might just be more excited about Halloween than I am. And I thought that was impossible. I am totally enamored of his site. Not only does he rhapsodize about Halloween, but he seems to have an unnatural fascination with the '80s. I think I found my long-lost twin. . .

Sep 29, 2004

Near Miss

Thank goodness somebody (in this case, the Swedish government) is looking out for defenseless babies. If you and your spouse are such morons that you feel the need to name your kid Superman, you obviously shouldn't be reproducing. (Thanks, Fark.)

Tenacious D, You're the Man. Er, Men.

You must go here and watch the sixth video from the top. It is awesome. Just awesome. Afshin introduced me to it and now I'm sharing it with you. That's fucking teamwork.

Sep 28, 2004

In Praise of Bubble Wrap

Popping bubble wrap is always fun. Even popping online bubble wrap. (Thanks, NewYorkish.)

Sep 27, 2004

Krispy Kreme Kakes

Well, I can't say that I consider this an ideal wedding cake, but I'd be happy to get one for my birthday. Mmm, Kwispy Kweme . . .

Sep 24, 2004

Sweet Dreams Are Not Made of This

I know there's nothing more boring than listening to someone prattle about her dreams . . . but I'm going to do just that. Seriously, though, this one's funny. And I'm only posting the highlights.

This weirdo clown-like man was holding me hostage in a basement with a bunch of other people, including one of the actors on the show Quintuplets. These rednecks who lived in an ice cream truck started piping some sort of gas fumes into the basement (we knew it was them because we could hear the ice cream truck music coming through the pipe), so I knew I needed to escape. That entailed breaking several windows, although I think I probably broke more than necessary just for the hell of it. So I managed to escape, but then I needed to blend in with the people in the nearest town. Only one problem there-- the town was populated entirely by multiple Ronald McDonalds. Very freaky.

I'm scared to know what this indicates about the state of my psyche, other than I have a healthy fear of clowns. But don't we all?

Booty Shaking Blooper

Call me puerile, but I found this clip distressingly funny. Why the hell would you tape yourself doing this? Dear lord, if my ass shakes like that, I don't want it recorded for the world to see. Hell, I wouldn't even look in a mirror.

Sunday, Monday, Boozeday

Never again will I get that aw-crap-it's-Sunday feeling again (on the booze front at least). The NY State Liquor Authority has decided that liquor stores can now be open seven days a week. These are some exciting times, no?

Sep 23, 2004

Pie!

I still really want an iPod. But, thus far, nobody has helped me out, so I'm resorting to bribery. If you complete the necessary requirements, I will make you a pie. Interested now, huh? I explained everything in a previous post, but, just for good measure, here's my referrer link again: http://www.freeiPods.com/default.aspx?referer=8169657. Also, you will get spam, so you should probably open an extra email account or something so it doesn't flood your regular account.

Sep 22, 2004

R.I.P. Russ Meyer

Russ Meyer, creator of such classics as Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! died on Saturday. Maybe this will finally prompt me to go out and rent some of his other movies in memoriam. Not sure any of them could possibly top Faster, Pussycat!, though.

Even Luke Skywalker Says Lighten Up

In honor of the release of the tweaked-beyond-all-recognition Star Wars trilogy (why can't George Lucas just let it alone?), Fark linked to this article yesterday. Pretty amusing. I particularly liked this quote from Irvin Kershner, director of Empire :

"Yoda's philosophy was quite simplistic. 'If you get angry, you're gonna lose.' 'Don't try, do.' He has a basic philosophy that is very charming. Not very profound, although young people consider it profound. I wish they would read more."

Sep 21, 2004

Updates From the World of Wasabi

Okay then. Contrary to popular belief (and my own opinion), wasabi doesn't clear your sinuses. In fact, it appears to cause congestion. That's okay, though, because it might fight cancer, and/or prevent blood clots, asthma, and cavities. Cool. Plus it's just good, man. (Thanks, Fark.)

Sep 20, 2004

Jay and Silent Bob Try to Pay Their Mortgage? I'd See It.

Have been looking for this article for weeks. I read it, thought it was pretty funny, wanted to link to it, couldn't find it again. Finally, I tried using a search engine other than Google (thanks, Afshin), and I found it right off the bat. First entry on Yahoo when I searched for "Kevin Smith" and "Jennifer's Bitch." (Yeah, those were the only exact phrases that I remembered. Other than film titles, of course, but that hardly narrows the search when you're looking up Kevin Smith.) So check it out if you want an amusing article about Kevin Smith, Clerks X, and journalists who are uncomfortable with profanity.

Show Tunes Conquer All!

Upon opening my email this morning, I found that I had received this little gem. I don't know if it's true (although I've since seen it mentioned on several fairly reliable sites), but it is hysterical. Hallelujah for defeating the subway preachers with the power of show tunes! (Thanks, Alan.)

Sep 17, 2004

Bush Pictures (No, Not Porn)

I don't actually know what this site says, as it's in Russian. But it has a great gallery of Bush pictures. I'm not sure which is my favorite, the one with the bird pecking at Bush's crotch or the one where the Pope has totally given up on Bush. The poor Pope looks so damn defeated.

Oh, You Silly Little Man

To be honest, I do love Alan Cumming. But this is just ridiculous. Let the bad sexual puns commence! (Thanks, Gawker.)

How Fucked Up Is This?

This is totally asinine. A woman in Florida has been charged with battery for slapping her boyfriend-- after he had been arrested for beating her so badly she had to be treated at the hospital. Meanwhile, the case against her boyfriend was dropped. Just unfuckingbelievable.

Sep 16, 2004

To Clear Up the Confusion, No, Vaginas Don't Vote

This article makes a good point about the silly, vagina-centric methods used to recruit women voters. I'm all for female empowerment, but come on. Nobody's vagina is going to weigh the issues, contemplate the candidates, walk into a voting book, and pull the lever (or the electronic equivalent). At least I sure hope not.

Although I think a couple of dicks voted in the last election.

Sure to Spark Debate Among the Star Wars Set

Pretty damn dorky, yo: a website comparing the remastered Star Wars DVDs to the original versions of the films. Though I feel vaguely shamed, as I participated in a discussion about the Jabba the Hutt changes a mere two days ago. (Thanks, Defamer.)

Sep 15, 2004

Mmm, Condiments

Don't ask me why, but for some reason listening to The Ketchup Song always cheers me up. Maybe because it's so silly. And they're kinda hot. Eh, watch it yourself.

Metropolis vs. Gotham City . . . Plus Silly Superheroes

At first I just thought the picture was amusing, but then I read the rest of this entry and found the Metropolis vs. Gotham City discussion interesting. Check it out.

Sep 14, 2004

Aicha, Encore

Am in complete headless chicken mode. Here, have some Aicha remakes and spoofs to keep you entertained. (Although the original Gellieman version is the gold standard.)

Sep 10, 2004

More Silliness From Our Political Leaders

This time it's Ahnold, back in his 'roid days.

Love Doctors

Oh, Dubya, you may be a douchebag but you're an endless source of entertainment. I wonder if he actually knows what ob/gyns do, or if it's another one of those "tribal sovereignty" moments. (Thanks, NewYorkish.)

Sep 9, 2004

Faux Algae

Call me crazy, but I kinda like this. I know it's fake algae and all (clean and odorless, of course), but think of how cool it would look against a wall . . . Ooh, it's a good thing I'm not about 10 years old and still in my Little Mermaid phase. I'd so have this stuff all over. And fish dangling from the ceiling. I'm very good at themes. (Some call it overkill.)

Take a Left at the Scrotum . . .

Is this really necessary? A penis atlas? Those wacky Norwegians. (Thanks, Fark.)

Give Peace a What?

A recent Engrish discovery. Just tickled my fancy, so thought I'd share it.

Sep 8, 2004

Heiresses Face Off

I didn't even realize that Julia Louis-Dreyfus was an heiress. That's pretty awesome, though. I've always wanted to be an heiress . . . Okay, back to reality. This site is pretty funny. Makes you appreciate Julia Louis-Dreyfus even more. And further drives home how utterly worthless Paris Hilton is. (Thanks, NewYorkish.)

Sep 7, 2004

This One Goes Out to All You Mullet Lovers

Stumbled across this site this morning. Such a plethora of mullets to gawk at, drool over, and/or otherwise mesmerize us all. Makes me very tempted to send in a picture I took in New Orleans of the infamous Mullet Boy, an unfortunate child clad in a leather jacket and accompanied by his be-rat-tailed mother (also in leather).

Sep 3, 2004

Politics

I found two recent Salon articles about Bush that are quite good, if inordinately frustrating.

Surprise! Strings were pulled.

The recollections of a widow of a former Bush family friend are rather damning, and very well written.

Sep 2, 2004

Suddenly Your Hand Isn't Good Enough?

For really lazy horny men, here's the Ijaculator! Seriously, I can't believe that anyone would shell out the cash for this. What, are you in danger of getting carpal tunnel?

Sep 1, 2004

Misconceptions Part II

Last week, Savage Love featured a bunch of childhood misconceptions about sex shared by male readers; this week, it's the ladies' turn.

Aug 31, 2004

Dirty, Dirty Tom Brokaw

I have reached the conclusion that Tom Brokaw must be a dirty old man who can't manage to keep his pornographic thoughts to himself. They are now spilling onto the airwaves in all their hysterical glory. (Thanks again, Jeremy.)

Tax what?

Brokaw says bukkake. (Yes, really.)

Debbie Gibson Turns 34

For all of you who are in need of a flashback (or have been nursing some closet fetish), Debbie Gibson is turning 34 today. Whatever. Her music sucked, man. I'm only posting this for you guys.

Mean Girls

Sorry about the absence of yesterday's post. Was totally swamped at work. Am perhaps more swamped today, but am in denial.

In other news, it seems that Tara Reid and Lindsay Lohan are vying for the affection of Paris Hilton. Do I care? Not really. But I want to see pictures of the impending catfight . . .

Aug 27, 2004

Starbikers, Huh?

Recovering alky bikers meet at Starbucks. Sounds like a bad movie plot, doesn't it? But it's kinda cute, in a way. Aww . . . (Thanks, Fark.)

Aug 26, 2004

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ

This is perhaps the best collection of horrible video clips, a virtual smorgasbord of humiliation. Especially noteworthy is the fourth clip from the top, which showcases an utterly annihilated Orson Welles attempting to plug wine. Thank you, Jeremy, for sharing this treasure trove of disgrace.

Fan Site for . . . a Ride?

Hm. Guess I'm not the only one who misses the 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea ride at Disney World. This guy has devoted a whole site to it. It was fun, though not a favorite of mine. I was down with the mermaids, but the giant squid freaked me out . . . much the way the whale/squid diorama in the Museum of Natural History scares the shit out of me to this day.

The whole topic makes me want to go back to Disney, though.

Aug 25, 2004

Give Me a Present Without Paying for It

I want an iPod, but am poor. However, a website is giving away free iPods as an inventive marketing technique. I know it seems like a sham, but this Wired article explains that it's actually reputable.

Here's the exciting part: you (yes, you!) can help me get a free iPod. Click on my referrer link to participate: http://www.freeiPods.com/default.aspx?referer=8169657

You do have to sign up for one of the offers listed on the site, but several of them are free (I recommend the infone option), or are free trials that you can cancel in a month or so (like the AOL options). Also, if you sign up, you're then eligible to get a free iPod if five of your friends help you.

Thanks!

Misconceptions

Dan Savage asked readers to write in with their stories about their childhood misconceptions about sex. There were some damn confused kids out there, man. My mom taught me about sex early on (literally, we read the how-babies-are-made books when I was probably two or three), but she neglected to mention some parts (i.e. it's fun), so I was left thinking that sex was solely for procreation. You want to have a baby, you have sex. You don't want a baby, don't bother having sex. And no, we weren't Catholic.

Aug 24, 2004

Yeah Butt Paste

As one of the enlightened Cosmic Trio, I already knew about Butt Paste. Now it seems the word is spreading.

Hello, Kettle? This is Pot. You're Black.

Tom "proud bitch of L. Ron Hubbard" Cruise thinks psychiatry is cultish. (Last item.)

Aug 23, 2004

I'm Tired . . . So Tired

Am sleepy and cranky today. I've been hiding from my email, and I'm decidedly not going to post anything witty. Screw you. Go watch the kitty cat dance again.

Aug 20, 2004

Responsible Citizen

Yeah, just felt the need to brag. I read the weather forecast online yesterday, as I do every morning. It warned of "dangerous winds." Not knowing exactly what constituted these "dangerous winds," I decided to play it safe and brought the basil plant in from the fire escape. Consequently, nobody was hurt under my window. Unlike in Times Square.

Aren't I responsible? I'm a good girl, I am.

Aug 19, 2004

Busy News Day

Oooh, I just found out that La Cage aux Folles is coming back to Broadway! I haven't seen La Cage since the 1993 tenth anniversary production in Boston. Prior to that, I hadn't seen it since 1983. Maybe that's why I'm so down with drag queens-- I was indoctrinated early.

Sexy Little Panda Bear

From the people who brought you the kitty cat dance, it's the sexy panda bear song!

Vibrators for Hippies

So I open my inbox this morning and what do I find? A link to alternative power vibrators, so I can get off and save the environment at the same time. Thanks, Alan.

Aug 18, 2004

Russia, With and Without the Luxury

This is not how I travelled while in Russia. Yes, I took a sleeper train from Moscow to St. Petersburg; no, it did not have a bar at then end of the corridor. Or an air conditioner in each cabin. Or private bathrooms. Or . . . well, any of those goodies. My bunk cost $30, not $380. Just wanted to make sure nobody reading this article got the wrong impression. I assure you I wasn't touring Russia in luxury.

Aug 17, 2004

One-Eyed Willy Rocking the Bathroom

My bathroom is awesome. This was a recent purchase. I feel like one of the Goonies.

Political Douchebaggery at Work Again

This is fucked up. Seriously. It's akin to grandfather clauses and other immoral political chicanery. Though I suppose we should be getting used to that by now.

Aug 16, 2004

So True

I find this sentence so amusing: Keanu Reeves is reportedly engaged to a woman who can tolerate his blank stares. Thanks for keeping me entertained, Gawker.

Aug 13, 2004

Where's Dick?

Let's play a little game, shall we? (Thanks, Fleshbot.)

Distractions and Diversions

What ever would I do without ebaumsworld? Here are some choice selections for your viewing pleasure:

I've had this catchy little number stuck in my head for a week now. I think everyone's sorry, because I tend to burst into song and dance without the slightest provocation. I'm a kitty cat, bitch.

This kid is already on his way to becoming an icon, much like Star Wars boy.

Finally, for when you have a free nine-minute block of time, this short is hysterical. It defies description.

I promise to post something else not lifted from ebaumsworld later. I'll be away for the weekend, so I wanted to keep everyone entertained in my absence.

Aug 12, 2004

Jeannie in a Bottle

Yeah, I know it's silly, but I want a genie bottle of my own. I especially like the one that comes complete with Jeannie. But, damnit, for $449.99, I expect a real genie, not a miniature model of one.

Aug 11, 2004

Savagery

I swear I haven't been following Dan Savage online; I just happened to read an article he wrote, which led me to an interview with him. Both pieces further convinced me that I'm right, both in my views on gay marriage and in my desire to own a copy of The Kid.

Aug 10, 2004

Pinball Wizards and Weirdos

Watching Tommy is somewhat akin to watching a train wreck. But a strangely fabulous one.

To the BatSite, Robin!

Yep, Adam West (a.k.a. Batman, or the mayor of Quahog, if you prefer) has his own website. It's not as kitschy as it could be, but it's still pretty odd.

Aug 9, 2004

Down-to-Earth and Naked . . . What a Spiffy Combination

Yet another reason why I love Keira Knightley: she signed autographs naked. What a sport. She's totally the sexiest tomboy beanpole on the planet, with or without clothes. Or collagen.

Aug 6, 2004

He Was Rick James, Bitch.

Somehow it seems wrong to make Rick James jokes after today. But let's mourn through humor, shall we? They should totally replay the Rick James episode of Chappelle's Show as a memorial tribute.

News From the Seth MacFarlane Front

Check out the American Dad pilot. Doesn't seem half as good as Family Guy, but I'll give it a shot.

Several hours later, I now have higher hopes for the series. I rewatched the pilot and it seems to have improved. Or maybe that's the booze talking.

Giving Casino Royale Its Due

I'm not sure I agree with everything in this article, but it's nice to see that someone's not just dismissing Casino Royale as a plotless, pointless, psychedelic spoof. Don't get me wrong-- it's damn trippy and really funny, but it may contain a few nuggets of truth.

Oh, and to further support one of the points in the article, in the hotel shown in the opening credits of Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me there is a sign that evidently points to the hotel casino which is, of course, called Casino Royale.

Aug 5, 2004

Spectacularly Bad Halloween Costumes

I pity the poor children who wore these costumes. I'm sure that dressing up as Scott Baio or Herve Villechaize really boosts a kid's self-esteem.

The page seems to be a bit temperamental, either not loading all of the images or not showing up at all. But be patient. Try back later. Refresh a lot. Don't give up-- the costumes are damn funny. And not a little freaky.

Aug 4, 2004

Yet Another Way to Waste Time

It's silly, but fun: Name That Drug!

Aug 3, 2004

Getting Richer, Bitch.

Good news for so many of us: Chappelle's Show will return for two more seasons. If they'd only get rid of the damn musical guests, I'd be a happy camper.

I Went Up to the Crown, Motherfucker.

Lady Liberty's open for business. Tramp.

Aug 2, 2004

Um, Yeah

Doesn't the Times have anything more important to cover than men's underwear?

Jul 30, 2004

Travesty

This is a travesty. The Powerpuff Girls are not supposed to dream about "growing up into cool, confident teenagers with a powerful style all their own!" No. And what is this crap about a PPG model search for girls between the ages of six and 18? Did nobody listen to Craig McCracken when he said, "People have asked if we’re ever going to do a live-action Powerpuff, but I wouldn’t want to, because then you’re defining them — they’ll have fingers and they’ll have noses and they’ll be real little girls and it just won’t be the same. But as cartoons they’re kind of this symbolic catchall." Obviously not. Isn't part of the joy of having animated characters rather than real characters the fact that they can stay the same age forever? The Powerpuff Girls are cute, they're little, they kick ass. I don't want to see big-headed, bug-eyed teenage Powerpuff Grrls. Changes the whole dynamic. Why does no one consult me about these decisions?

Baseball Is Icky.

Okay, so this was posted on Fleshbot on Wednesday, but it's still ass funny. (Hah! Ass funny. Indeed.)

Jul 29, 2004

Come On, Man, It Wasn't That Bad.

Okay, so, as per my previous post, drinkable doughnuts just aren't a good idea. But I think this guy might have exaggerated his revulsion just a bit.

Jul 28, 2004

Work Sucks

Yeah, that's pretty much it. I'm swamped. I haven't even read the news in days, much less mustered some thought to post here.

Jul 26, 2004

Jul 23, 2004

You Know You Want It

Someone's selling K.I.T.T. on eBay. Some of you are drooling, aren't you?

Jul 22, 2004

Mmm, Doughnuts . . .

I think I just came. Krispy Kreme has introduced doughnut-flavored drinks.

Evidently, their stock has fallen more than 45% this year-- how sad! (No, seriously, that makes me sad.) I think I'll have to go buy some Krispy Kremes to help them out. I'm entitled. I've been exercising.

Update: I did indeed go to a Krispy Kreme, where I bought a dozen doughnuts and the original glaze flavor drink. Tasted like cold liquid buttercream. Not a favorite. Am still a staunch advocate of the doughnuts, though.

Jul 21, 2004

Useful Gadgets

So this is awesomely convenient. I guess a lot of other people think so, too, since it's already sold out. But I shall keep checking.

Jul 20, 2004

Someone Else's Flashback

Why does the song Runaway Train always make me feel like I should be on drugs? It came out when I was 11 or 12 and still quite well-behaved. I feel like I'm co-opting somebody else's memories.

Hostages and Confusion

While I was thrilled to hear that the Iraqi militants released their most recent hostage, I'm not sure I'm so happy that the Philippine government removed their troops from Iraq. That the government bowed to pressure seems like it might encourage further hostage-taking. I just don't know what to think of this situation.

Jul 19, 2004

Useless Gadgets

For those who want total sensory overload every time they watch a movie, here you go.

Jul 16, 2004

Martha My Dear

Martha Stewart was sentenced today and, for all I've kvetched about her and her obnoxious uber-perfectionism in the past, I feel sorry for her. It's not right that she has to go to jail for something fairly minor, whereas Enron execs get off with a slap on the wrist and the bastards at WorldCom are awarded a government contract in Afghanistan.

What Not to Name Your Drink

Hmm. MooLatte sounds like mulatto. True. Good point, Timothy Noah. And I had only objected to it on the grounds that it's a stupid name for a coffee drink.

Jul 15, 2004

The Gayest of Toys

Now you too can play with your very own lesbian! Thanks, NewYorkish.

And let's not forget that perennial favorite, Billy (and his friends Carlos and Tyson, of course).

Oh, Sacha Baron Cohen, I Think I Love You.

There's a pretty decent interview with Sacha Baron Cohen, the creator of Da Ali G Show in the Times today. However, I'm less inclined to agree with the lavish praise the show is getting. Maybe I need to watch another couple of episodes, but I wasn't terribly impressed by the bits I've already seen. Too bad, really, because the British version of the show is freaking hysterical, innit?

Update: Go here to watch Ali G's speech at the 2004 Harvard commencement ceremony. (Forward to 1:27:34.) Lucky Harvard bastards. We only got George Stephanopoulos for our graduation.

Jul 13, 2004

The Porsche of Sex Dolls

This site is totally bizarre (and not at all safe for work). I can't decide if it's sick and twisted, or just really, really weird, though not harmful. I guess it's okay if you can socialize like a normal human being and happen to have a spare $5000 with which to buy a lifelike sex doll. I see it as a problem for the hardcore Trekkies or Dungeons & Dragons nerds who, after maxing out their credit cards for such dolls, may never feel the need to learn to relate to real chicks.

Seriously, though, check out the site. It's strangely compelling.

No Moore

Pete Townshend told off Michael Moore. Good.

The Trial

Thus the trial begins: we're expecting our very first FreshDirect delivery tomorrow evening.

Jul 12, 2004

More Unnecessary Musicals

Okay, where was I when they announced that Billy Elliott was going to be made into a musical? (With Elton John providing the songs, no less!) Didn't the musical version of The Full Monty teach us anything? I have a sinking feeling that this will be just one more example of a perfectly good movie being turned into a perfectly dreadful musical.

Jul 9, 2004

Let's All Heave a Sigh of Relief.

Thank god, the website I linked to in my earlier post is a hoax. Now we can all enjoy the twisted humor of the faux site of a 37-year old Hermione Granger-obsessed fan without fearing for the safety of children the world over. Thanks to Jeremy for pointing me to this illuminating article.

In Praise of Donald Murray

This column made me profoundly sad. I've been reading Donald Murray's columns intermittently for years and really enjoy his writing. He very seldom discusses big, important, newsy topics; rather, his colums are very personal, heartfelt, and truly make you feel like you're getting to know both Murray and his wife, Minnie Mae. The column I've linked to is sad, but well written (and, I might mention as further motivation for reading it, short.)

Jul 8, 2004

Craving a Family Guy Fix

I can't wait for the new season of Family Guy. Sadly, that won't premiere on Fox until some time next year so, for the time being, I must content myself with reading articles like this one. And you can bet your little booties that I'm going to watch American Dad. (Unless it sucks. But I won't know if it sucks until I see it, right?)

Jul 7, 2004

Dirty Thoughts of the Day

According to Engrish, this is what should be on all our minds.

In a slightly related thought, two years ago, when I spent several months in London, I mandated a Halloween party (as is my custom). In the process of making my costume, I fashioned a bra-like attachment to the bodice that my friends kept referring to as the "tit bits." If only I had known that I could simply buy that part of the costume here.

Jul 6, 2004

And You Thought the Olsen Twins Countdown Was Freaky.

Okay, it's not pc to fantasize about Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter films, but go ahead. I know she's only 14, but she looked older in the last film. So you're allowed to fantasize, but only about Hermione in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. No younger than that. You don't want to turn into this sad fuck. (Thanks, NewYorkish.)

I'm Baack!

Yes, I have indeed returned from the wilds of Russia and Austria. It was fun but now my internal clock is totally fucked. You know it's bad when you're falling asleep at nine pm while watching Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, no less.

Am too tired to be witty right now. Will be witty later. Have lots of work piled up. Urg.

Jul 1, 2004

Russia Is a Sham

Suppose that you are in St. Petersburg and you'd like to visit the Catherine Palace in Pushkin. You pay to take a taxi to the train station, where you get on a train to Pushkin, which the guidebook says is the first stop (about 25 minutes), but is actually the eighth stop (about 45 minutes). As the buses from the station to the palace are too full, you take another taxi. You pay to enter the grounds, only to find out that you cannot enter the palace (for which you must buy another ticket) until 4 PM. It is then 1 PM. You contemplate strolling the gardens for three freaking hours, and decide that it's not worth the bother. You opt for cutting your losses and take another taxi, this time back to the train station. Fortunately, you should be able to catch a train in another ten minutes. It doesn't arrive for an hour and five minutes.

You suddenly understand why Russians drink.

Jun 29, 2004

St. Petersburg Will Let Me Sleep at Last!

Thank heaven, St. Petersburg is vastly preferable to Moscow. Cleaner, with traffic signals that pedestrians and drivers actually refer to, if not completely abide by, and we have a lovely suite and comfortable beds.

Jun 22, 2004

Ugh. Hungover.

Hangovers in Vienna are no better than in the States.

Jun 20, 2004

Willkommen

Wiener schnitzel is, considering its unusual name, surprisingly bland.

I would just like to point out to all of you naysayers (you know who you are), that I am on vacation and am still posting. And some of you said that my blog wouldn't last a week. Who's dedicated? Who's dedicated? I am, bitch.

Jun 17, 2004

So Long, Farewell, auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye!

I shall be out of the country until early July, hence the plethora of posts today is merely an attempt to assuage my guilt over the next couple of weeks.

Here is a parting gift from Engrish: I, too, know some people who will smoke just about anything.

Dasvidanya!

Freaky Celebrities and Their Freaky Religions

Madonna is now Esther. What the hell? I don't even know where to begin the derision.

Beam Me Up, Baby!

Okay, so I guess I'm being a bit overoptimistic if I think that I'm going to get beamed anywhere any time in the near future. It's promising that busy little scientists are making progress, though, even if only with individual atoms. Oh, it would be wonderful . . . No commuting, no schlepping home after a late night.

Jun 16, 2004

More Vocab Lessons

Thanks to Gawker, we now have an excellent new word used to describe our collective boredom with the whole Reagan-is-dead phenomenon: Ronnui.

Jun 14, 2004

Moore Controversy = More Publicity

What the fuck? Michael Moore supposedly had footage of American soldiers abusing Iraqi prisoners months before the Abu Ghraib story broke but didn't release the information because he was afraid it would look like he was promoting his movie. And now he wonders if he made the right decision.

Just unfreakingbelievable. If he'd released the info immediately, it might have looked like a publicity-grabbing tactic, sure. But at least he would have seemed honest. Now it looks like he held out for pure I-told-you-so value.

Jun 11, 2004

This Must Be Where Homer Simpson Works

My guess is that this place runs on Li'l Lisa's Slurry. (Well, the sign is kind of vague.) Boy, Engrish is always good for a couple of laughs.

Jun 10, 2004

Pigeons: The Scourge of New York

So a bunch of us were playing Taboo last Saturday. Someone gave the clues flying and dirty and I immediately said pigeons, which, of course, was the right answer. I detest pigeons. I'm not an active pigeon-hater; I don't try to kick them or contemplate shooting them with a BB gun. I just wish that they would suddenly disappear from New York. So, even though I generally think of myself as being quite compassionate toward animals, I can't help but not care that some people are illegally netting pigeons and selling them for hunting purposes. The Times is bang-on with its headline: Who's Kidnapping the Pigeons, and Who Cares?

As one woman so eloquently commented about a massive flock of pigeons, "Them shits is nasty."

Jun 8, 2004

Oh No! Not Creating and Making!

The long-term strategic threat to the entertainment industry is that people will get in the habit of creating and making as much as watching and listening, and all of a sudden the label applied to people at leisure, 50 years in the making — consumer — could wither away.

This sentence (from this Times article about an alternate Harry Potter soundtrack) raises a few questions, doesn't it? Now you know-- next time you want to fight the man, just get a "creating and making" habit.

Jun 7, 2004

Erudite Bush-Bashing

The highlight of this interview with Tony Kushner is what he calls Bush: "our thought-disordered bloody, greedy, little plutocrat-slash-soulless-theocrat of an unelected President." Classic, man.

Sore But Done

Yeah, I moved yesterday. Again. Up three flights of stairs. The U-Haul wouldn't start. We waited, they replaced the battery. We moved lots of stuff up narrow, crooked staircases. We wound up sore and tired. I have a blister on one foot and my other knee feels all gimpy. So I'm uniformly busted.

Jun 4, 2004

Evidently the J Stands for Jerk

I cannot tell you how angry this interview made me. This man is totally off his rocker. But television execs are even crazier if they're seriously contemplating giving him his own show. I thought most reality tv was bad, but how desperate are we for cheap entertainment that someone might give O.J. Simpson his own show?

Harry Potter: Flying Jock

In honor of the premiere of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, here's something to consider. It's an old article, but a good one. It perfectly expresses so many of the things I found bothersome after reading the books.

Jun 3, 2004

What a Stretch

It seems that Ab Fab's Patsy was right after all: the Beatles' songs were all about drugs.

Jun 2, 2004

For the Honor of Grayskull, Please Show She-Ra!

This is a copy of the message I sent to Cartoon Network last July. (Yeah, I know it's old news, but it's still totally valid.)

To Whom It May Concern:

I have a suggestion for an addition to your programming: She-Ra. As you currently play an updated version of He-Man, I assume that you probably own the rights to She-Ra as well. [Note: They don't.] Not only would I love to have She-Ra on the air again (it was my favorite cartoon in the '80s), but I have heard similar comments from a number of college-age and post-college Cartoon Network viewers.

If you consider the idea, it seems pretty logical. She-Ra is a great role model (and didn't the Powerpuff Girls complain that there was really only Wonder Woman to admire in the superheroine department?), and the series was entertaining, not sententious. Also, the original series wouldn't require a makeover like He-Man did. His haircut had to go, but She-Ra and her friends were attractive and trendsetting from the beginning, sporting lavender hair and snazzy outfits in addition to displaying their stellar ass-kicking skills.

For support of my proposal, just take a look at any one of the many She-Ra fan sites and the bootleg She-Ra episodes circulating online. Girls want to be She-Ra and guys think she's hot. It's a natural choice for the Cartoon Network program lineup.

Thanks for listening to my suggestion.


The bastards never replied.

Note to Self: In Future, Get Car

At some point in my life, even just once, no matter how briefly, I want to own a hot car. I've never owned a car, have very seldom driven cars, and really have no need for a car in New York. Yet the sight of some gorgeous, souped-up (or the term nowadays is pimped, isn't it?), shiny, preferably vintage car is enough to bring me to my knees. (Not literally-- I'd be run over.)

Jun 1, 2004

'Twas Memorial Day Weekend, and All Through the House . . .

I was moving. Hence the lack of posts.

May 28, 2004

Behind the Clown Nose . . .

I knew that clowns weirded me out for a good reason. This is just so wrong.

Serves Him Fucking Right

A spammer was sentenced to seven years in prison yesterday. He had sent more than 850 million junk emails. And he claims that there were no victims. Ha!

May 27, 2004

From the Department of the Obvious

This is an excerpt from the statement on the side of the Yogi Tea brand Fasting Tea (which supposedly suppresses appetite):

Drink throughout the day for up to 10 cups per day. If you are on a reduced calorie diet, this is an excellent way to maintain energy.

So I'll lose weight if I drink 10 cups of tea a day? You think? No shit, man. I'll be a) full of liquid so I won't feel much like eating and b) spend so much time in the freaking bathroom that I won't have time to eat.

Wearing Pants, Listening to Songs About Pixelated Plumbers

Once again, Songs To Wear Pants To is amusing me. Check out today's entry, entitled "Super Mario Brothers Theme (Original Nintendo is Awesome Remix)." It's a classic.

May 26, 2004

Cranky

I have a headache, a stomachache, and an intermittent nosebleed. And I still don't know where I'm going to live-- as of Saturday. So screw you all if you're looking for something witty. I'm not witty today; I'm cranky.

May 25, 2004

Not to Give Anyone Any Ideas . . .

I'm sure having facial hair like this is some sort of achievement. But I wonder how many of these achievers have dates lined up.

Oh, Kevin Spacey, I Love You So.

Kevin Spacey's being all productive.

Damn, I really want to see The Philadelphia Story revival. But it's in London. That's a problem. I guess I'll just have to rewatch the film. Oh C.K. Dexter Haaaaaven! Hell, everyone should see The Philadelphia Story. It's just an excellent film.

May 21, 2004

May 20, 2004

Fucking Like . . . Well, Bunnies

Okay, it's not my ideal choice for a watch design, but Swatch recently premiered a new design called the Bunnysutra-- which, as its name suggests, has, instead of numbers, pictures of little cartoon bunnies in a variety of Kama Sutra positions. So that's pretty weird.

But then Swatch puts up a big ass billboard in Times Square, thereby pissing off the tourists. Then the fur starts flying.

As a side note, you've gotta love that the Post quotes a woman from Mahwah.

May 19, 2004

Fo' Shizzle, Y'all

If there weren't already enough time-wasters out there, it's the Snoop Dogg Shizzolator! Yep, this site will transform any ordinary, well-written site into shizzolicious Snoop-speak. Try it out, dawg.

Actually, Terror Is a Noun

We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui.
--excerpted from Jon Stewart's commencement speech to the 2004 graduating class of William & Mary

In spite of that little slip-up, it's still a damn funny speech. Check it out.

May 18, 2004

Charmkins = Scented Toys/Jewelry. (No, I'm not making it up.)

Yo, I was beginning to think that the Charmkins were nothing more than a childhood fantasy or some drug-induced hallucination. Thanks to this site (and a few select others), I can once again revel in the glory of the Charmkins.

Lover Doll Come Back

Tony Randall died last night. Let's hope that, wherever he is, he doesn't have Jayne Mansfield squealing at him any more. (And no, I don't suppose you will understand the title of this post unless you've seen both Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter? and Lover Come Back.)

May 17, 2004

Barely Legal . . . Or Almost Barely Legal

Here's a site for all you borderline pedophiles out there (and no, it's not porn). Now go ahead and indulge your Olsen twin fantasies. I'll just hope you're thinking of the Olsen twins now, not back in their Full House days. That's just not right.

May 14, 2004

The Ninja Stylings of Donald Rumsfeld

Admittedly, I haven't had much sleep. But I thought this was funny.

May 13, 2004

The Lemur: The Monkey's Retarded Cousin

Poor lemurs. They've been maligned all along. It turns out that they're not as dumb as we thought. Actually, I never really considered their intelligence. I usually get as far as thinking, "Aww, lemurs are cute!" It ends there.

May 11, 2004

You're Already Guilty, So Go Ahead and Cocksmack Her

In the May issue of Jane magazine the monthly Web Rant asks, "Should women be jailed or just fined for falsely accusing men of rape?" Okay, interesting question. Of the respondents, 73% said jailed, 16% said fined, and 11% weren't sure. That's not my problem. My problem is with one of the excerpted responses. One Katie Castellana replied:

Definitely just have a fine. Keep in mind that no man is ever innocent. Think of what that scumbag must have done to deserve being accused of rape.

Jesus! No man is ever innocent? And, the last time I checked, sometimes people do get unfairly accused. Sometimes people have done nothing to deserve being accused. Sometimes accusers are crazy or disturbed-- like this woman seems to be.

May 10, 2004

Don't Let the Chucks Fool You-- I'm Not Really a Hipster

As I've long suspected, I'm not a hipster. (Hey, I am leaving Park Slope, after all.) How about you?

May 7, 2004

The FDA: Government Bitch

This makes me so angry. Evidently, women can't read labels on hypothetical morning-after pill packages. Maybe we should take cough syrup and antihistamines off the shelves, too.

How frustrating. Making the morning-after pill available over the counter is such a good idea. I suppose it's likely that some people will abuse it (inasmuch as any method of birth control can be abused), but I don't see it as a license for rampant promiscuity. Certainly no more than condoms are, since the pill doesn't prevent the tranmission of diseases. No, I think this is a great idea for those oh-crap-the-condom-broke situations that are bound to occur. With the current hassle of having to go through a doctor to get a prescription for the morning-after pill, too many women wait it out until their next periods, hoping that they won't be pregnant. The anxiety isn't worth it, especially when having a readily available over the counter morning-after pill would could so easily alleviate such fears.

May 6, 2004

Even Rich People Get Screwed

Yo, hearing this about Anna Wintour somehow makes it more acceptable that I'm moving in with friends who may be evicted. Of course, it makes me like her even less, but that's not saying much.

May 5, 2004

The Joy of Pasties

The 2004 New York Burlesque Festival is coming to town and I'm totally psyched. I may be poor, but I'm going.

May 4, 2004

Truly, Truly, Truly Outrageous!

One of my dearest wishes has just been realized: Jem is now out on DVD. Now if they'd only just release She-Ra, too. She-Ra was even better than Jem (and that's saying a lot).

May 3, 2004

This Explains So Much . . .

I'm sure we all know at least one of these people. Sometimes you like them, most of the time you want to throttle them. Well, it turns out there's a medical explanation. Go figure.

Apr 29, 2004

You Know You Love Yul Brynner.

Yeah you do. I love Yul Brynner. Call this post irrelevant if you will, but there was a Yul Brynner documentary on tv tonight, which just reminded me of how awesome he was. If you don't know who Yul Brynner was, don't tell me. Just look him up, watch The King and I, and become totally enamored with him. It's inevitable.

Apr 28, 2004

Pity Sex on a National Scale

I guess this is serious. I'm having a hard time believing it, but I suppose people who make that many freaking typos (i.e. discrete instead of discreet, felatio instead of fellatio, etc.) would consider themselves good little Girl Scouts for slamming the troops. Thanks for pointing it out, NewYorkish.

Apr 27, 2004

Now If Only They Had Sex in the Swimming Pool . . .

N.Y.U. doesn't attract just smart students, it attracts smart, eclectic students," said Mr. Beckman, the university spokesman. "We had a film student who wanted to film a couple performing a live sex act in front of a class. We had students who set up a swimming pool in their dorm room. Now we have this fellow.

Is this guy actually proud of these "smart, eclectic students"? Next time they interview him, you know he's going to puff up with pride and mention some kids who built the world's largest bong or something. Oh, those nutty kids.

Apr 26, 2004

I Should Really Be Working.

Quizilla is like crack. I can feel myself getting dumber after each successive, mind-numbingly simplistic, misspelled quiz. Am I that desperate for distraction?

Apr 24, 2004

Damn I'm Witty.

Shouted at the tv after an episode of Iron Chef America:

Bobby Flay should die! He should choke on his own ego!

Apr 23, 2004

The Passion of Britney

According to the Times review of Britney Spears' ABC tv special, Brave New Girl, "Not surprisingly, the film is a marketing venue for Ms. Spears's music, though the sales pitch is laughably forced — her pop tunes are held up as the kind of inspirational leitmotif that emboldens deprived teenagers to dream and gives downtrodden single moms a jolt of confidence."

Does anyone else find the concepts of inspiration and Britney Spears totally oxymoronic (with an emphasis on the moronic)?