Dec 15, 2005

Gifts for New Yorkers

Or transplanted New Yorkers, or even those with sufficient affection for the city to want a little piece of it in their homes.

This snowglobe boasts the cleanest snow you'll ever see in NYC. I love the litter, though. Nice authenticity.

Speaking of snow and other such things as you might not want to track into your apartment, you could use a doormat, right? This would surely tickle the fancy of Ninja Turtle fans, to boot.

Gotta love the classic design of the We Are Happy To Serve You Coffee Cup, used by delis, bodegas, and sidewalk coffee carts around the country. (Yeah, I know it's not exclusively a New York thing, but it seems it. It's a cute mug anyway.) Only this one is ceramic, so you don't have to ditch it after one use.

For the ultimate New York Christmas story, buy a copy of Eloise at Christmastime if, by some heinous oversight, you don't already own one. Believe you me, the girl who lives on the tippy-top floor of the Plaza knows how to do Christmas right.

Dec 12, 2005

For the Girly-Girls

And the guys who buy things for them. If you, a guy, want to impress her, a girl, with something thoughtful and tasteful, and are willing to spend some reasonable-to-hefty cash on it, I have just the thing for you. How do you know it's thoughtful and tasteful? Because I, a girl, have selected it. I have scoured the (virtual) sale racks at Anthropologie, and here are my top picks:

If she's the sparkly sundress type, she'll appreciate the Climbing Ivy Dress. I've had my eye on it since the summer. Maybe it will go on on super-clearance.

The Ptarmigan Cardigan is still rather expensive, but is lovely if she's all elegant and shit. Of course, if she's all elegant and shit, why's she dating you? Sucker. Your mom or grandmother would also probably love this sweater.

Another cozy choice is the Redwood Sweater, which looks awesomely comfortable, and comes in three colors.

This Link-Front Top seems flattering even if she's not rail-skinny, and is basic but has an interesting design twist that will make her think you're clever and appreciate things like detail.

Warning: Not from the sale list. Should you really want to impress her or, say, propose marriage or otherwise shell out a decent chunk o'change, go for this Flowering Obi Robe. Just gorgeous. And she'll think of you every time she puts it on, which equals one thing: lots of blowjobs.

Likewise, these Frozen Bough Earrings are similarly pricey. But they're festive without being too seasonal, and so delicate, and . . . Can you tell I'm hoping for a post-holiday sale?

Dec 9, 2005

Sweet Treats for the Tree

What a snacktacular cache of ornaments I've recently discovered! Feast your eyes upon a mouth-watering array of guilt-free goodies.

In the relatively traditional medium of blown glass, we have the delectable Glittermint Cupcake and Chocolate Ganache.

Then, in enamel, there are the lovely Enchanted Trifle and Enchanted Cupcake.

My favorites, though, are the little beaded-and-knit (or crocheted) confections like the Fruit Tart, the Napoleon aux Fruits, the Strawberry Shortcake, the Wedding Cupcake, the Bow Cupcake, the Striped Puff Pastry, and the Bûche de Noël, (which is misspelled on the product description, not by me).

Ooh, what a tasty tree you'd have if you let me decorate it!

Dec 8, 2005

Assortment of Goodies

Everyone should have a projection clock. That way you can see the time on the ceiling . . . provided you're not blind as a bat, comme moi.

Sleep masks make great stocking stuffers; I love this Marilyn Snooze Mask. Not that I, personally, need another sleep mask. But it's not for me, now, is it?

Coffee, tea, or irony?

I know this isn't technically a present, but what gift wouldn't be made automatically more exciting by putting it in an adorable Gingerbread Gift Bag?

Dec 7, 2005

Make Life Easier

Here's what I would buy if I were flush: a Roomba.

Okay, I doubt this guy is either affordable or widely available, but he could essentially do light mopping, which is what I really need to do.

If you're looking for something affordable and totally practical, go for the PowerSquid. I could use one of these for every outlet in the apartment. Such a good idea.

Dec 6, 2005

Putting the Fun in Functional

Go ahead and be the person who buys gifts that others wouldn't necessarily think of buying for themselves (but once they own them, they can't live without them).

Everyone needs a Microplane Kitchen Grater/Zester. Watch your fingers, as it is sharp. But it works brilliantly.

I think I may have to pick up one of these jammies during my Christmas shopping this year, as I'm tired of schlepping around clanking wine bottles. Seems like the sort of useful gift anyone would appreciate. Well, anyone who frequently buys wine for him/herself or others and needs to tote it around.

While we're on the wine kick here, how about the Metrokane Rabbit Wine Opener? Admittedly, I only own a knockoff version, but even the knockoff works like a dream (and was free!), so I can highly recommend it. It makes opening wine bottles so easy and you look all technologically advanced while doing it.

And last but certainly not least, get someone you love the Aerolatte Milk Frother. Seems unnecessary, I know. But he or she will adore it. Hell, they should really make a hip holster for it.

Dec 5, 2005

Delicious, Yet Non-Fattening

The series continues . . . How about some indulgent gifts that smell deliciously divine but won't pack on the poundage?

I'd love to try some of Philosophy's The Gingerbread Man Body Scrub, which could theoretically be exfoliating your skin and making you smell all lovely and cinnamonny at the same time. Talk about multitasking.

Urban Decay's Flavored Body Powders are gorgeously shimmery, subtly scented, and, well, flavored. Flavors come and go, though, and a few good ones are about to be retired (i.e. gingersnap and peppermint), so grab them while you can. Hint: That also means they're on sale.

Dec 2, 2005

Wish List

In honor of that good old fashioned Christmas spirit, I shall randomly post gift suggestions throughout December. 'Cause I've got your back like that.

For the computer dork in your life, a scrollbar scarf.

For your favorite interfaith couple, what about the Chrismukkah Cookbook? Or how about my personal favorite, the Matzoh bread house journal?

And here's a gift for the carnivore you love most: a subscription to the Bacon of the Month Club. Aww yeah. (Thanks, Zack.)

Stay tuned for more fab suggestions.

Nov 30, 2005

So Long, Papa Bear

Oh. Stan Berenstain died. That's sad. Man, I loved the Berenstain Bears when I was little. Haven't read those books in a while . . . Maybe I'll go hole up in the kids' section of a Barnes & Noble and do some reminiscing.

Nov 23, 2005

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Explanation Time!

Aah, some clarification at last. Here is an explanation (or as close to an explanation as you're gonna get) of the genesis of the whole "It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!" schtick on this past Sunday's episode of Family Guy. Turns out that I've seen the dancing banana before--one of my friends has it as a buddy icon--but, without the accompanying song, I didn't recognize it. I'm still not sure I get it, but it's still pretty hilarious.

Congrats, David Edelstein!

Evidently David Edelstein will become the new film critic for New York as of January. Fantastic. He writes excellent reviews for Slate and I think he's going to be a great addition to the staff at New York. I venture to guess that his reviews will be slightly more structured and less conversational than those he writes for Slate. But that's just an educated guess. Adam Moss has been doing one helluva job since taking over as editor and I thoroughly applaud his hiring of David Edelstein.

Rock Out With Your Cock Out, the Columbia Edition

Yo. YO. Where were the naked parties when I was at Columbia? Especially naked parties involving beads and fairy wings? I have beads. I have fairy wings. I have naked.

To be honest, I probably wouldn't have been a regular attendee. Freshman year, hell yeah. Sophomore year, maybe. By junior and senior year, no bloody way. I'd be far more likely to stay in my room, curled up on my bed, watching dvds and nursing a bottle of gin.

Nov 22, 2005

Women in Ad(s)vertising

This article in today's Times proved particularly thought-provoking, not primarily because it pointed out that women have made progress in the advertising world but still have far to go, but more because it reminded me of a related topic: women in ads. It mentioned:

The Advertising Women of New York points out what it regards as offenders with a yearly presentation of The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Awards, identifying ads that the group contends depict women in a negative or stereotypical manner. In 2003, Miller Lite won the Grand Ugly Award for its "Catfight" ad that featured two scantily clad women wrestling each other.

I remember that ad; it was spectacularly stupid, but I didn't find it particularly offensive, as it was so obviously one of the "overblown male fantasy" genre. What I find much more upsetting are the ads I see numerous times a day, every time I turn on the television, in which a wife/mother is horribly grateful for some fabulous new product because it makes her happy-but-harried life with the hubby and kids just a little bit easier. Or, conversely, the hapless husband is grateful for the existence of such a product that miraculously prevents even his ineptitude from allowing the household to go to hell in his wife's absence. Over and over again, the husband/boyfriend/father figure is portrayed as good-natured but completely and totally inept; without such modern marvels as tightly-sealing Tupperware, microwavable meals, and disposable toilet brushes, the carpet would be eternally stained, the kids would starve, and the toilet bowl would be coated in grime. The wife/girlfriend/mother, on the other hand, is always frazzled but good-natured, and thoroughly competent at navigating the domestic sphere.

I suppose what I find so bothersome about these commercials is that they're so regressive and I'm not sure why. Are we as consumers and viewers supposed to relate to the family dynamic portrayed in such ads? I don't. I don't know many people who do. In my family and among my friends, relationships tend not to be structured along these barely-modernized 1950s ideals. My grandfather cooks, my grandmother cleans. My dad cooks and cleans, my mom (who's disabled) helps when she can. When we're together, my boyfriend cooks, I clean and do laundry. (But he carries the laundry. Well, it's heavy.) One of my coworkers has the opposite arrangement with his wife; she cooks, he cleans and does the laundry. Pretty much everyone I know has some such arrangement to keep things fair. Sure, there may be squabbles, but it's not this unending battle of the sexes in which women are forever harping about their husbands' infidelity and tendencies to leave the toilet seat up while men dream of beer, boobs, and football while sitting in their easy chairs.

So do I just live in a rare mecca of civilized couples who treat each other with consideration? (Well, this is New York.) Does the rest of the country actually identify with these backward, stereotypical ads? I don't know. I hope not. I doubt it. Personally, I think that advertisers need to give viewers, especially husbands/boyfriends/fathers, more credit.

Nov 18, 2005

Know Why It's the Goblet of Fire? 'Cause Harry Potter's Flaming.

This is the gayest thing I've seen in a long while. Not the dancing per se, although the ending, in which half of the performers dance around with broomsticks between their legs, is spectacularly flaming, but the concept. No offense to the Hogwarts Dancers. Lovely moves, gals. I just find the conceit pants-wettingly funny. (From Waxy.)

Amazing Paper Creations

This is some of the most awesome, gorgeous papercraft I've ever seen. I wish I could read the page, but it's all in Korean. (Thanks, Afshin.)

Nov 9, 2005

Revenge of the Sith, Abridged and Improved

I don't suppose I should still find Star Wars prequel-related humor so damn funny, but I do. The prequels—hell, let's be honest, the whole series—is a comedic goldmine. The latest contribution to the treasure trove is this script, an abridged and heavily rewritten version of Revenge of the Sith. It's sheer genius.

Nov 3, 2005

I Heart Tegan & Sara

I have the most overpowering girlcrush on Tegan & Sara. I saw them in Berkeley and they're adorable. They rocked my little socks off. So, for everyone who doesn't yet know who I'm talking about, take a gander at the video for one of their more popular singles, "Walking with a Ghost."

Nov 2, 2005

Changes

As you can see, my blog looks different. It's too busy, and I'm well aware of that, but there's not much I can do at the moment. At least you can see the post titles, which was a problem with my last template. Not that I can possibly complain about my former template, as Afshin made it for me all by his little lonesome. But, because the internet is a sham, there were unnecessary spaces and my new post titles weren't appearing properly. So screw that. I've now got a default Blogger template. Not crazy about it, but it'll have to do for now.

Whatever. I'm on a reduced posting schedule anyway.

Oct 21, 2005

When News Breaks . . .

I don't bother blogging it.

For a change, I knew about something before smarty-pants Screenhead did. So there.

As I told Nullsleep, he's become such a big boy. I'm getting all misty.

Oct 18, 2005

Unrelated Tidbits

As I'm still too busy to post regularly, here are some juicy little morsels to peruse:

1.) A really interesting article on Real Dolls and the men who love them. (Full disclosure: I want one. I think they're weird works of art. And so squishy!)

2.) Photos and info about the Sedlec Kostnice, the legendary "bone church" outside of Prague. It's an otherworldly, Raiders of the Lost Ark experience to go there. Oh, and the chandelier is made of at least one of every bone in the human body.

3.) I just discovered the home goods and decor blog Cribcandy. Lots of nifty stuff. Check it out.

Oct 11, 2005

Blatantly Awww-Inducing

In truth, I don't advocate the use of weapons for rodents, but I'll cut this little guy some slack. Just 'cause he's so unbearably cute. And fluffy. And shmooshy. And . . . Okay, I'm about to go off into a paroxysm of cutesy girlybabble now.

Sep 27, 2005

You Can't Escape the Gates

Haha. This is what happens when one silly art installation bitchslaps another. And it's hysterical. (Thanks, Olga.)

Sep 15, 2005

What A Capella Should Be

I know I'm on hiatus. But that doesn't mean I can't post if inspiration should strike, right? Well, it struck. This is perhaps the most awesome choral performance I've ever witnessed. (Thanks, Zack. Really. Thank you.)

Sep 12, 2005

MIA

In case anyone has been wondering, the blog and I are going on a temporary hiatus as I get myself geared up to launch a site of lovely products to sell. I'll be rich! Rich, I tells ya! (Sure. Yep. Uh huh.) At least I'm having fun.

In the meanwhile, feel free to peruse my coworker Albert's online stores here, here, and here.

Aug 31, 2005

Sounds Like a Handy Pet . . .

I think I need one of these, too. (First post.) Could be useful in emergency situations.

Aug 30, 2005

More Wacky Zombie Antics

Have returned from the vacation from hell. On a cheerier note, here are oodles and oodles of pictures of zombies. Much as I have a morbid fear of zombies (not real ones, just those in movies, and not even all of those), I'd love to go on a zombie walk. And I commend the use of red-splattered cauliflower as the requisite braaaains.

Aug 18, 2005

Coping

I've just been struggling to stay afloat this week, so let's hope that next week, my vacation, will be simultaneously productive and restful. Don't expect much from the ol' blog.

Aug 12, 2005

iPod + Subway Map = Genius

Thus making the iPod photo capability totally worthwhile: downloadable subway maps. Awesome. And most useful.

Aug 11, 2005

Maxwell and his Infamous Hammer

Though I'm not sure why, I've always been partial to the Beatles' song "Maxwell's Silver Hammer." Well, now there's an awesome animated video to go with it. Hm. Seems to be a good week for videos, huh?

Aug 9, 2005

Lucy in the Sky with Shatner

Someone overly-ambitious soul has taken it upon himself to create a video for William Shatner's legendary take on "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds." Thus I present for your questionable viewing pleasure, Lucy in the Sky with Shatner.

Aug 8, 2005

Watch Alan Cumming

Personally, I like Cumming the fragrance. It smells like whips and nipple clips and candle wax. Sorry, having a Reefer Madness moment. (Well, Alan Cumming was in it, after all.) Seriously, though, it does smell pervasively of leather and rubber. And I love that even Alan Cumming can't seem to take the name of his own cologne seriously.

Aug 5, 2005

Alpha-Mommy Dearest

I know this is an old article, but I only just got around to reading it. To think that Isabel Kallman believes she's figured out how to be an ideal mother is laughable. She seems to have learned two things:
1. To spoil her kid and
2. To delegate responsibility to a slew of hired caregivers.

I found the whole piece nauseating. Kallman is a manic, castrating control freak who seems to be in denial about the fact that she can't control her own son.

Aug 3, 2005

Tomato Lust

Oh god. Oh my god. Sooo many tomatoes. I am so craving a firm, juicy tomato right now.

Aug 2, 2005

Subtitres

Dreamses? Troopses? This is what happens when they let Gollum write subtitles. Okay, no, not really. But close.

Aug 1, 2005

Malaise

Here's a handy guide to recognizing the signs of a blog-life crisis. Sounds rather familiar, especially in the meta-blogger sense.

Jul 28, 2005

Wookies for Jesus

The Jews for Jesus who periodically decide to bombard hapless commuters with flyers at the Lexington and 59th subway station are annoying. Upon this we can all agree. I have no problem with Jews. I have no problem with Jesus. I have no problem with Jews for Jesus. My problem is that I simply don't like running the gauntlet of flyer-pushers. This morning, though, where there would normally be a Jew for Jesus, there was instead a Wookie for Jesus. Yes, there was a man in a full Wookie costume, complete with a customized Wookies for Jesus t-shirt. I had to take a flyer; the guy deserves some kind of respect for wearing a faux fur costume and mask in the blisteringly hot bowels of the Lex and 59th station. Plus, he made me laugh. (Didn't convert me, though.)

Worst. Star Wars Conversation. Ever.

Make sure you've recently hit the bathroom before reading this last entry—I nearly wet myself this morning.

Interestingly, she managed to report the plot fairly accurately. What does that tell us about George Lucas?

Jul 27, 2005

Condomania

This is a pretty entertaining gallery of unusual condom ads. Some are funny, some bizarre, and some downright incomprehensible. The last page is one of the best, in my opinion. Gotta love the Catholic schoolkids. Now that kid is the man.

Jul 25, 2005

A Disgusting But Apt Metaphor

As I walked to the bodega to get some coffee (this is the Bronx, yo-- no Starbucks here. We're keeping it real.), I was immediately assaulted by the smell of wet dog. No, dog shit. No, both. I determined that the block between my office and the bodega smells like a wet dog taking a shit.

I need to get a new job.

Jul 21, 2005

Could This Really Be Unintentional?

Whoa. Another stellar example of unfortunate logo design.

The Post in Which the Times Dismays Me, Then Reassures Me

Okay, once the Times covers a trend, it's officially over. Thankfully, t-shirts aren't really going anywhere.

'Member when I complained about the Jessica Simpson cover of "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'"? Well, according to the Times such crappy mashups and covers may be inching toward oblivion. (And the Times knows about oblivion.) Sounds promising, but I remain skeptical.

Jul 19, 2005

Damned Hormones

Am hormonal. Don't expect wit from me today. Maybe I'll cry instead. That's about as interesting as I'm going to get today.

Jul 18, 2005

Fun with Retardation

Insult friends and enemies alike by customizing your own Family Guy intelligence level chart.

Stormy Weather

As soon as I walked outside, my arms immediately started to assume the position for the breast stroke. Air should not feel like warm bathwater, people.

Jul 15, 2005

How the Other Half Comes

Here's some end-of-the-week silliness: online orgasms. Not terribly realistic, but pretty funny nonetheless.

Blah, Blah, Blah

I seem to be very dull lately. My days seem to be spent in the quest of going to bed early, which never happens. Not very blog-worthy. My dreams have been pretty wacky, but nobody really wants to hear the details. Suffice it to say that, in the last three nights alone, I've dreamt that

1) I was at a birthday party for my best friend in kindergarten
2) I was staying in a hotel with my relatives and eating lots of cupcakes
3) I had a baby and had to fight the devil for possession of it. I won, but the baby died anyway.

All I want for the weekend is some peaceful sleep.

Jul 13, 2005

I Wonder What Wet the Cheat Smells Like

I don't know, but it's one of Strong Bad's 10 bottom list.

My Lust for Fabulous Bathroom Fixtures Knows No Bounds

Fucking hell, these bathroom fixtures are hot. Or cold, as the case may be. (Terrible pun, I know.) Seriously, I just shivered with longing from looking at the pictures.

Jul 12, 2005

Word to Your Captain

Watch Captain Picard and the rest of the Enterprise crew get jiggy with it in some of the most amusing ways. Data is particularly endearing. Word.

Scientologists Have Eaten Her Brain

For a glimpse into the freaky, freaky world of Katie Holmes (or the zombie she has become, rather), read this interview. Horrifying, man.

My Week Starts on Tuesday

Blah, blah, blah. Mondays are a total washout for me. Never expect any relevant postings until Tuesday. Just figured I'd make explicit what is probably obvious by now.

Jul 7, 2005

I Love Lobster

Dear lord the food at Black Pearl sounds orgasmically good. $20 for a lobster roll is a bit stiff, but I'd pay it for a really excellent one. I haven't had a lobster roll in years.

Jul 6, 2005

Zombie Hipsters are My New Heroes

This is so awesome. Some hipsters decided to dress up as zombies and attack a local group of medievalist dorks who engage in regularly-scheduled mock battles. How D&D. Yeah zombie hipsters!

Jul 5, 2005

Even Limper, Yet Not as Much Fun

As a male counterpart to the freaky falling Anne Heche clone, here's the almost-but-not-quite-as-mesmerizing liquid man.

Jul 1, 2005

Sometimes Limp Can be Fun!

Disturbing? Yes. Yet mesmerizing and fascinating. And very floppy. Ouch. Enjoy.

Rice Just Got Much More Interesting

So they're making assorted colors of rice in Taiwan to promote healthy eating habits among children? Interesting . . . and tasty.

Jun 30, 2005

Happy to be Served

I know, I know, it's silly. But I want one of these.

Jun 29, 2005

Layout Issues

As you've surely noticed, I'm currently having layout issues. They're not my fault; something's up with Blogger. I was momentarily excited to have fixed the problem of the massive space, but now I have the problem of the ends of posts being hidden under the archives sidebar. Ah well. Blogger giveth and Blogger taketh away. Bear with me.

Oh, in case anyone wanted to know, I didn't go to the Mermaid Parade. The sweltering heat won.

Jun 28, 2005

The Wacky World of Scientology

Evidently, Salon is running a series of four pieces on Scientology. Parts one and two are pretty interesting thus far.

Jun 24, 2005

Mermaids vs. Sweltering Heat

The Coney Island Mermaid Parade is this Saturday. I've never been before, and I'd really like to go, but it's supposed to hit 87 degrees in Brooklyn tomorrow. Am weighing the desire to stay in my air conditioned apartment with my desire to see wacky-ass mermaids.

Jun 23, 2005

Whoopsie

Evidently, the whole Nazi sex doll thing was a hoax. Oops. Sorry.

In barely-related news, I finally checked out the Museum of Sex last weekend. It was fairly eh, though some of the old stag films were pretty entertaining. The highlight was undoubtedly the RealDoll: one was on display in a case, but there was a separate section of a RealDoll's torso from the navel to the clavicle sitting out with a Touch Me sign above it. So touch I did. It felt like sticky skin. Very bouncy and smackable. And the boobs were like giant stress balls. It was awesome.

Jun 22, 2005

Showers of Light

Fuck chromatherapy. I want one of these showerheads because they look awesome, not because they're going to magically make me happier or healthier through the healing power of green light. I'm such a girl.

Jun 21, 2005

Baubles, Bangles, and . . . Body Parts?

This jewelry is like some horrible experiment in Barbieland gone awry. Yet it's strangely cool. I want some, but with prices like these, I think I'll just hack up my own Barbies, thank you very much.

Jun 20, 2005

Baubles, Bangles, and . . . Electronic Components?

Now you can proudly display your technological savvy in jewelry form.

Calling All Tall Men

So true. Of course, she could just use a ladder.

Jun 16, 2005

Wisdom from Tea

Ah, the simple pleasures in life! Although I am tired, frustrated at work, busy as all hell, and freezing in the sub-zero temperature of the office, at least my tea bag tries to cheer me up (or pacify me, perhaps). This one reads: When you engage the world with compassion, kindness and grace, you are an angel. Not sure why I like that little aphorism as opposed to some of the other wacky maxims my Yogi Tea spouts, but I just do. So there.

Jun 14, 2005

Fun with Saddam

So awesome. Evidently Saddam is up on all the hip games the kids are playing during recess these days. (Thanks, Don.)

Jun 13, 2005

Wacko for Jacko

Watching this is akin to watching Trekkies, i.e. funny in a do-people-like-that-really-exist? way. So sit back, relax, and watch Triumph the Insult Comic Dog take on yet another group of weirdos: the Michael Jackson supporters.

At Last I've Heard Jessica Simpson "Sing"

Poor Nancy Sinatra. Just look what they've done to your song. Listen to Jessica Simpson butcher "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'". Watch the video that glorifies cosmetically-enhanced white-trash ass shaking. Marvel at the extreme gratuity of an unnecessary and irrelevant washing-the-General Lee-in-a-bikini scene. Ponder how the hell Willie Nelson got involved. Take an aspirin.

Jun 10, 2005

Blogging Bunny

I just discovered the Lady Bunny's blog, which features a motley assortment of entries, photos, and links. Rather entertaining. Also, a good reminder that I really must go to one Wigstock before leaving for sunnier shores . . .

Nazi Sex Doll (or, More Accurately, Sex-Puppen)

Haha. Maybe the Nazis did some good after all: Looks like they invented the first sex doll. Still doesn't make up for the whole Jew-killing thing, of course.

Jun 9, 2005

Yes, Virginia, There Are Teeth in Your Vagina

While I think it's horrifying that rape is such a common occurrence in Africa that a device like this is necessary, I think it's a pretty good idea and should properly scare the shit out of anyone who tries to stick his dick where it doesn't belong.

Jun 8, 2005

Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson

Anne Bancroft died of uterine cancer two days ago. How sad. She not only was a marvelous actress, but seemed like a truly nice person as well. And she was half of a Hollywood marriage that actually lasted-- she and Mel Brooks had been married for just over 40 years.

Jun 7, 2005

Giving Al Gore Props

Hey, it looks like Al Gore did help out with that whole internet thing. He just won a Webby.

Jun 6, 2005

Stupid Baby Names

What is it with celebrities and their affinity for bizarre and/or stupid baby names? Last Friday comedian Penn Jillette and his wife had a baby girl whom they named—are you ready?—Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette. Yes. Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette. My heart goes out to the poor child.

Jun 3, 2005

Boys, Babes, and Bikinis

This is really every adolescent male's fantasy, isn't it? Or close to it.

Incidentally, should I be embarrassed that I've always liked the song "Owner of a Lonely Heart"?

Jun 2, 2005

Where Did the Angel Touch You?

Jaysus! This site offers some of the most disturbing products I've ever seen. I can't decide if they're creepy but useful in dealing with sexually abused kids or just plain creepy. I can't really see Briscoe and Green playing with dolls, even for the benefit of sensitive little abuse victims. (And don't bother reminding me that Briscoe is dead. I know. But he lives in my heart. Sob.)

In Oxytocin We Trust

So, anyone else worried?

Jun 1, 2005

The First Step is Admitting You Have a Problem

Okay, I confess. I need one of these to keep me from eating all the damn Ben & Jerry's in one sitting. Damn you, Ben & Jerry, you purveyors of tasty treats!

May 31, 2005

Deep Throat Revealed

So there's one helluva revelation. W. Mark Felt, former FBI official, has claimed to be Deep Throat. If it's true (which is likely), Felt has just answered a question that's been on the country's collective mind since the '70s.

May 26, 2005

Make It Stop

For the last goddamn time, get a clue from the Star Wars kid and do not tape yourself practicing with a stick for a light saber. Here's a clip of yet another asshat, this time a grown man, playing with a stick. Just try to look away from the jiggling belly fat—it's mesmerizing.

May 25, 2005

Puerile Entertainment of the Day

I know this site is deeply silly, but you do have to wonder about what some of the people who designed these logos were thinking. Cock, most likely. (Thanks, Screenhead.)

May 24, 2005

Jedi From the Block

Oh, will the fug never end?!

Another Useful Word

Yes, it's that time again: vocab lessons! Today's word is scrotch, which means to scratch one's crotch. The need inevitably arises in public places and can be rather irksome for the ladies. Men, on the other hand, seem to have no aversion to scrotching in public, and frequently go for full-on penile and testicular readjustments in plain sight. But that's just gross.

May 20, 2005

Misheard Lyrics

Thanks to a coworker, I just discovered a great site that lists tons of commonly misheard song lyrics. Personally, I found the Robert Palmer/"Addicted to Love" mistakes the funniest. Though I think the site is missing a few misinterpretations that I've heard/made and have found pretty entertaining. Such as:

In Queen's "We Are the Champions": Blue time for loo time, 'cause we are the champions . . .

Bonnie Tyler's song "Total Eclipse of the Hun"

In Blondie's "Heart of Glass": Riding high on love's true Jewish life . . .

May 19, 2005

When Panties Attack

Beware the vibrating undies! For they cause not only pleasure, but pain as well. Oh, the pain! And oy, the embarrassment!

Grating News

Suddenly I don't look so crazy for refusing to walk over subway grates, huh? Of course, I frequently wear jeans, not skirts, but that's beside the point. This new revelation has given me one more reason to avoid subway grates, in addition to my usual concerns that they'll either collapse under me or my heels will get stuck.

May 18, 2005

Simpsons' Sexy Slumber Party

Remember the site (run by the two "college girls" renting a room in Flanders' house) mentioned in a recent episode of The Simpsons? Well, here it is: sexyslumberparty.com. Kinda funny. And check out Springfield's Sexiest Moments-- Marge is a hottie with her hair down.

J. Lo: Fuglier Than Ever

Ah, another thorough fug-bashing of J. Ho. Again, I'm hearing it in Cartman's Hennifer Lopez voice.

May 17, 2005

Chandeliers: Part II

As per my earlier post, I'm still obsessed with chandeliers. I finally located a photo of a fabulous one displayed at the MoMA, which I just love. Totally perfect for a kitchen or dining room.

Revenge of the Newspaper Nerds

I just had to share this quote from an old New York article by Stephen J. Dubner that I just got around to reading. To provide some context, it's a comment made by former Times sports columnist Robert Lipsyte about editor Howell Raines (who was ultimately ousted after the whole Jayson Blair debacle):

"If Howell really had been the coach of a football team," says Lipsyte, "he would have been successful, because jocks are basically sissies and they roll over for alpha males. But what he had was a bunch of nerds, and nerds take it and take it and take it and then show up in the cafeteria with an AK-47."

Yeah nerds.

May 16, 2005

Chappellewatch Continues

According to the most recent reports, Chappelle isn't on drugs, isn't in a loony bin, is just chilling in South Africa at a friend's house because he's overwhelmed and wants to make sure that everything he produces is good, not just mediocre (which is certainly a worthwhile goal). I hope it's true. I don't like being skeptical, but he is an actor. And actors tend to, well, act. (Except Hayden Christensen, who's clearly an adherent of the Keanu Reeves method.) But let's hope for the best.

Just What Every Affluent Geek Needs

Well, I'd buy these awesome Tetris shelves if I had the cash. (And the space in my apartment, but that goes back to the cash issue.) So I guess I'm more likely to make them myself when I eventually move to a larger apartment. Hm. Or maybe this could be a project for my dad--It'll finally give him a reason to use the jigsaw.

May 13, 2005

Bitches and Pie

I have no intention of watching The Real Gilligan's Island, but, if I were debating the matter, this clip just might convince me.

Incidental Keanu-Bashing

"[Joseph] Gordon-Levitt is a slender and beautiful young man—in the Keanu Reeves mode, but flesh-and-blood instead of wood."

Thank you, David Edelstein, for making me laugh out loud this morning. And for reminding me that I really do want to see Mysterious Skin. Read the review (along with a couple of others) here.

May 12, 2005

Oh, the Tragedy!

Damn, damn, damn. I've already made plans for the weekend of May 20-22, so I'm going to miss the 2005 New York Burlesque Festival. Bah. I actually wanted to see it this year, as last year I wound up unfortunately plastered and remembered very little of the show the next morning. I had also lost my sunglasses, wallet, and a pair of panties that had been tossed to me. Or was it a flower? Or both? Yeah, see what I mean about not remembering?

Update: Chappelle

So it seems that Dave Chappelle has checked into a mental health facility in South Africa. I dunno what the hell is going on, but I hope he pulls it together quickly and gets back to work. The man is talented and I would hate to see his nascent career cut short by drugs/burnout/etc.

May 11, 2005

Meet Cuke Skywalker, Ham Solo, Obi-Wan Cannoli and the Gang

"That giant fruit threatens us all."

That may be one of the best lines I've heard in a damn long time. Anyway, here is Grocery Store Wars. Watch it if you're a Star Wars geek. Watch it if you're an organic produce dork. Oh, just watch it.

May 10, 2005

Good Doggie

For those of you who have been bitching about dogs and how dumb/useless/craptastic they are, all I have to say is: so there.

Sounds Like Time for an Intervention

So, if any of you out there haven't heard yet, the new season of Chappelle's Show is MIA for some unspecified reason(s), possibly having to do with conflicts between Dave and Comedy Central and/or Dave's health and/or Dave's implied but unstated drug problem. This article raises almost as many questions as it answers, unfortunately, but is a decent update on the situation.

Even if the return of Chappelle's Show has been delayed, I don't suppose I can really complain too much. At least Family Guy is back.

May 6, 2005

J. Fug

I love reading posts like this and this. Every time the girls at Go Fug Yourself mock J. Lo, I hear can hear Cartman's hand as Jennifer (pronounced "Hennifer") Lopez speaking the words. It's an entertaining experience, believe you me.

Accidentally Anal

Just follow the link, people. What an unfortunate choice for a logo!

May 5, 2005

The Onion Tells It Straight

Once again, the Onion is spot-on.

May 4, 2005

Stormtroopers Are People, Too

Love both the photo and its caption. Did I mention that I have a thing for stormtroopers?

May 3, 2005

Bedspreads Are the New Black


Dear god in heaven. Karolina Kurkova is wearing a bedspread. As an evening gown. I don't know what to say.

Incidentally, check out this gallery for some of the most preposterously-dressed, pretentiously-named snooty-ass people ever to attend a gala.

Update: I am not alone in loathing the bedspread dress.

Apr 28, 2005

Oh, the Dorkitude!

Just when you thought you'd seen it all (i.e. people getting married dressed as Star Wars characters, Star Wars fans camping outside the theatre for months, eagerly awaiting the third prequel, etc.), here's a gallery of Star Wars tattoos.

Apr 26, 2005

Pope Cliffy

The more I tootle around online, the more reassured I am to find that I was not alone in briefly thinking that Cliff Clavin had been made Pope. But John Ratzenberger is not the same person as Joseph Ratzinger, I quickly realized. Phew.

Reefer Madness

Now that I've watched the new Showtime musical version of Reefer Madness in both altered and normal states, I can definitively say that it is utterly hysterical. I'm a big fan of the musical number sung by "the stranger from the manger," Jesus, entitled "Listen to Jesus Jimmy." How often do you hear rhymes for stigmata? And rhyming Madonna (the Virgin, not the singer) with marijuana? Priceless. Here and here are some reviews, if you're interested.

Apr 25, 2005

ODing on Cuteness

In an attempt to put myself in a cheerier frame of mind, I've been looking at these ridiculously cute photos of animals all morning. Am all gushy about the precious little animals . . .

Apr 24, 2005

Bloomie's Windows




Hah! Hah! Have finally learned how to post images. So, on a rather belated topic, here are some photos from around Christmastime. Evidently the Phantom and Christine weren't alone in their little boat-- Bloomingdale's lighting guys were there, too.

Apr 21, 2005

How to Turn on Cookies

Mmm, tits. I mean, mmm, cookies.

Apr 20, 2005

Pinups

In honor of the lovelies after whom my blog is named, here are a spate of pinups from decades past. If Vargas is your man, check out this page; for more variety, take a gander here. I particularly like some of Vargas' redheads. But that's not surprising.

As Time Goes By

I was just looking up an old entry when I realized that I've been blogging for over a year now. February 21, 2005 was this bitch's first birthday. Jesus, that year flew. (Possibly because each day drags into the next, so it's difficult to discern the sum total.)

Well, here's to me anyway. And a big stuck out tongue to everyone who said I'd lose interest in a couple of weeks.

Apr 19, 2005

It's Nice to Know I'm Not the Only Busted One Out There

I feel so much more normal after reading this article! I, too, have suffered from headaches for years (albeit not from one continuous 14-year-long headache), so this is a topic of great interest to me. So much that I immediately ordered her book, and am looking forward to finding out if she has any suggestions for dealing with incessant headaches.

Sorry if this post is boring, but consider yourself lucky if none of it applies to you.

Apr 18, 2005

Gnifty Gnomes

Let's start off the week well, shall we? Here are two posts about gnomes for your consideration; if you are a fan of garden gnomes, you will no doubt be delighted by this tale of one gnome's spring break. If, on the other hand, you detest the little buggers, you might prefer this story about how, in a pinch, gnomes come in handy as implements of destruction.

Apr 15, 2005

Barefoot (in public bathrooms) and Pregnant

In what is my first and, hopefully, my last post on the subject, is anyone else out there appalled that the white trash train wreck known as Britney Spears is procreating? Actually, I ammend that statement-- I may be forced to post again after the spawn has been born and is inevitably named some abomination like Fifi Cheeto Federline.

Apr 14, 2005

Religious Shamfoolery

This is a total sham. If you're going to choose to practice a certain religion, any religion, don't cheat. Don't just obey some of the rules and work around the others. So now taking Viagra during Passover is okay if you put it in a special Kosher coating because "the Viagra would not come into direct contact with the body?" Um, what do people think is going to happen when the Kosher coating dissolves? The Viagra is going to come in contact with the body. Just on the inside.

Apr 13, 2005

I Am Officially a Cracker

Jesus, I'm so white I'm translucent.

Dancing Dorks

Oh, how cute! MIT students built an LED disco floor in their dorm. Now just get them some dance lessons and they'll be all set.

I know, I know. I'm a condescending bitch.

Apr 12, 2005

An In-Depth Analysis of the Man Date

I cannot fathom that the idea of guys going out for friendly dinners or drinks is really article-worthy. Yet the Times disagrees, and has devoted an entire article to the admirable man who is secure enough in his masculinity to venture out into the big, bad world alone with another male and his thumb-sucking counterpart who can't quite manage to shake off the terrifying spectre of homosexuality in such encounters.

Do me a favor, Jennifer 8. Lee: Stop wasting your word count writing about some of the most backward-ass fucks on the planet.

Apr 11, 2005

Heads Up

My fledgling screenplay is currently taking precedence over my blog. I shall try not to completely slack, but posting may be spotty for the rest of the month. Just wanted to warn you, should you care.

HIV: Discuss

I meant to post these ages ago, since I thought that some of you who don't customarily (or ever) read Savage Love might find these columns interesting. Instead of concerning the customary questions Dan Savage fields (such as how-do-I-convince-my-girlfriend-to-dress-me-in-diapers-and-spank-me?), they tackle the much more serious problem of how to deal with HIV positive individuals who knowingly infect others. I think Savage has a very good idea, which involves making the knowing infector foot half the medical bills for the unknowing infectee. Personally, I'm in favor of prosecution, too. Here and here are some follow-up responses (the second link is more informative, if you don't want to bother reading both).

Apr 6, 2005

Get Well Soon, Peter Jennings

Peter Jennings has lung cancer. That's so upsetting. I grew up watching the avuncular anchor and always felt a certain fondness for him. I recently saw him on the news and said, "Wait, when did he get so old?" Poor Peter Jennings. I do hope he recovers.

Apr 5, 2005

The Post About Tribbles

I finally watched "The Trouble with Tribbles" yesterday. Hysfreakingterical. Loved watching Shatner get repeatedly pelted in the head with trilling furballs. I had, however, expected a bit more from the tribbles themselves. They looked like something the cat coughed up. Ah well. I guess that was the best they could do to stay within budget.

Apr 1, 2005

For That Elusive Hot Girl Stamp of Approval

This is pretty funny. Moreover, I could so do this job. I should hire myself out. I do similar things for my friends for free; why not get paid? I wonder if there's a corresponding service in New York . . .

Mar 31, 2005

Racist Dogs and Dawgs

I know it's old news, but I hadn't read it before, so it's new to me. This article explains so much about the phenomenon of racist dogs. And I'm glad to know that my family isn't alone in our former predicament. We used to have a dog who was prejudiced against: tall bearded men, nuns and priests, and black people. I always used to point out to him that he was really quite hypocritical, being a black lab himself, but to no avail. He'd still bark his fool head off and try to snack on every black man who crossed his path. Reminds me of a King of the Hill episode.

Possibly the Most Tasteless Entry I've Ever Posted

Well, Terri Schiavo died today. In memoriam, why don't we take a look at the poor woman's blog?

Yes, yes, I know I'm going to hell, where I'll no doubt be tormented for eternity by Trey Stone and Matt Parker. (Just catch a rerun of last night's episode to see why.)

So Far, So Reasonable

The committee formed to evaluate the validity of the anti-Semitism claims at Columbia has turned in its report. And, overall, it seems pretty reasonable, largely focusing on how student grievances should be better addressed, rather than getting into an Israeli/Palestinian debate. For a decent, less involved summary of the report, check out this Times article. Now we'll just have to see what sort of actions are taken. I suppose that's the real test, but I have high hopes, since I think the whole matter has been handled extremely well thus far.

Mar 30, 2005

Relapse

Every so often I rediscover Law & Order, and each time I come to the same realization: it's like crack. Totally addictive and really easy to score (since it and its spinoff shows are on multiple times a day on several channels). Of course, now it's a bit depressing to watch since Jerry Orbach died. But addictive nonetheless.

Family Guy Live

Ooh, I want to go to see Family Guy Live! But with tickets at $55-$65 a pop (excluding those asinine Ticketmaster fees), I'm seriously debating the matter. Personally, a live script reading of a show that's often based on visual gags doesn't set me afire, but the idea of a Q&A with the cast sounds awesome. Especially if Seth MacFarlane is so dazzled by my wit, sparkling personality, and fetching looks to propose on the spot. No, scratch that. He's too much of a drama queen for me. I just want him to hire me as a writer for Family Guy.

Mar 28, 2005

Bunny, Bloody Bunny

Damn, yo. Sounds like this kid has seen Mallrats one too many times.

Mar 25, 2005

A Silly Post

This poor kitty must have demanded extra Tender Vittles for allowing himself to be subjected to this.

Mar 24, 2005

Bully for Bolli!

Though, compared to Austin Quigley, International Dean of Mystery, Columbia University President Lee Bollinger is a bit of a wet blanket, I have to tentatively commend him on his remarks in the Spectator and those in the Times. It sounds like he's walking a fine line between appeasing disgruntled students and protecting professors, but he seems to be very supportive of academic freedom despite external pressures. (Incidentally, my approval is tentative only because Bollinger's comments are rather vague and we have yet to see what, if any, actions he will take. As far as speechifying goes, though, Bolli has a gift with PR.)

And I wholeheartedly agree with Gothamist's assessment, unrelated though it may be.

Lost in Translation

Does this image strike a chord with anyone? (Thanks, Don and Genie.)

Mar 23, 2005

Shadow Sculptures

Ooh, I really want one of Randy Cooper's shadow sculptures. The pictures on the site really don't do justice to the sculptures; when there's a spotlight shining on the mesh, it creates a detailed, almost dimensional shadow against the wall. Just gorgeous. I must remember to try to make one of my own (as I can't afford an original). I bought the window screen years ago, but then forgot to do anything with it. So nifty.

Mar 22, 2005

The Post in Which I Try (Unsuccessfully) to Analyze My Dreams

Incidentally, I keep having dreams that I'm a kid in an orphanage run by evil old ladies. Wtf? Unsurprisingly, I keep escaping. I wonder if this is supposed to signify anything, other than a hyperactive imagination. According to this site (which is probably not the most reputable way of deciphering dreams, but whatever):

If you appear as a child in an orphanage, the connectivity of your waking relationships is worth examining. Do you have a sense of belonging and rootedness in the world or a sense of trying to find your place?

But I rather feel like that's a crock, or at least doesn't apply to me, since I had parents in one of the dreams-- they lived in the orphanage, too, just in a different part.

Tasteless But Funny

Yesterday, I read that carmaker John DeLorean (yes, of Back to the Future fame) had died; today, I got a glimpse of this hypothetical picture of his coffin. Made me giggle (guiltily, but heartily).

Mar 21, 2005

Lament

Jesus, I'm busted. I have a migraine, two holes in my tights, a shitload of work to do, and the remnants of a cough. At least I'm wearing cute shoes.

Mar 18, 2005

A Tortoise in a World of Hares

Sometimes I get the feeling I'm stuck in Slo-Mo, that short I posted about a while back. Everything around me is speeding by and I'm moving at the pace of a turtle. Slow and steady wins the race, huh? Let's hope so.

Mar 17, 2005

Oooh, Chandeliers!

Man, I'm such a girl. I'm absolutely in raptures over this morning's Times article about chandeliers. Oh, I've wanted one for ages. (Although my family did briefly have one hanging over our bathtub when I was small&8212;don't ask.) My current favorites are the cluster of starburst chandeliers in the Metropolitan Opera lobby and any of Tord Boontje's ethereal Swarovski Blossom chandeliers.

Goddamn, I'd better be loaded someday.

Mar 16, 2005

Crappy Movie, Fond Memories

I'm currently watching the 1999 version of A Midsummer Night's Dream and it is, as the reviews said, rather dreadful. (At least thus far, though I don't have much hope of its improving.) I had forgotten how bloody many couplets Shakespeare put in it, though. I do love the story, but the abundance of rhymes is overkill. Regardless of the absurdity of the film, it reminds me of when my fifth grade class performed A Midsummer Night's Dream. I was Helena and, in my own modest opinion, was quite good. How sad is it that I still remember some of my lines. Well, some of most of the characters' lines, actually. Jesus, I'm a dork.

Mar 15, 2005

Unbelievable Stupidity

When I read this entry (last item) on Gawker yesterday, I thought it was a joke. Upon following the link, I discovered that Britney Spears actually made that very comment in an Allure article. Jesus. I wish my travails involved telling the maid and the pool boy what to do.

Mar 14, 2005

The Weather Has Never Been Funnier

I would watch the news constantly if Triumph did the weather report every day.

Maureen Dowd Has One Point; Misses Another

I definitely sympathize with her complaint that there aren't many female columnists out there. (With any luck maybe I'll be able to help redress the balance in the future.) I also agree that women pundits are often unfairly depicted as castrating harridans. What Dowd fails to address is that perhaps the reason so many of us loathe her is that she customarily writes snarky, snippy, pompous columns. So in her case at least, there's a damn good reason for disparagement.

Mar 11, 2005

A Lesson in Value

Instant oatmeal is a great invention. I know it's not as good as the slow-cooked kind, but it's infinitely more efficient. However, I just noticed something: McCann's is a much better deal than Quaker. It's cheaper, tastes better, and each packet contains more oatmeal. Keep this important lesson in mind next time you buy oatmeal, my friends.

Mar 10, 2005

More Pearls of Wisdom from Strong Bad

Strong Bad has a tendency to be pretty damn perceptive sometimes. In his most recent email, he totally nails the character of emo fans. Yeah Chuck-Taylor-wearing low-self-esteemers.

Mar 9, 2005

Update

Am juggling work and periodic coughing fits. Don't expect much from me for a few days. Play Bookworm instead.

Mar 3, 2005

Damn You and Such . . .

I'm sick, so screw you. I'm not posting anything witty today.

Mar 1, 2005

The Razzies, Where the Losers are Winners

I forgot to post this yesterday, but I was highly amused. Halle Berry just skyrocketed in my estimation. She evidently has a sense of humor and of class. Nice. (Thanks, Don.)

Feb 27, 2005

Nu Ma Nu Ma Yeah

This guy is my new hero. Poor Gary. Don't be embarrassed; you're entertaining the nation, and not in a William Hungesque way. He's famous because he sucks so very much, whereas your lip synching is actually good and your Numa Numa dance is clever and funny as hell. Moreover, I totally understand-- I've been listening to the real song repeatedly and it truly does incite you to dance around like a complete spaz.

Thus concludes my feel-good message of the day.

Feb 25, 2005

Misunderstanding + Inability to Tell Time = Early Start on the Weekend

Am a total douchebaguette. When one of my coworkers stopped at my desk and asked if I were going, I misunderstood. He meant going to get coffee. I thought he meant going home. (My computer clock is fast and I must have misread it.) So I left. About 45 minutes early. Oops.

Feb 24, 2005

Questionable Statistics

According to a recent study, the anti-smoking truth campaign deterred about 300,000 youths from smoking between 2000 and 2002. I'd love to know how they arrived at that number. I simply cannot believe that those ads prevented that many people from smoking. I think they're odious, maudlin commercials and I resent being told that cigarettes kill people. (Unless a gang of cigarettes gets together and starts roving the streets, beating people up, of course.) Otherwise, it's the indidividual's decision whether or not to smoke, keeping in mind that smoking may very well lead to a faster death.

Or maybe people are just turning to other alternatives, like this.

Feb 23, 2005

The Cartoon of Choice in Bizarro World: SpongeBong HempPants

Meet SpongeBong HempPants, who must be the stoner brother of the goody-two-shoes SpongeBob. Pretty clever, very well done. Guaranteed to make kiddies everywhere cry. Do I smell a cease-and-desist?

Yesh, Yesh . . .

Okay, I know this is deeply silly, but it did make me laugh out loud at my desk this morning. There's nothing like a Sean Connery impersonation to start the day off right.

Feb 22, 2005

Bizarro World

Jesus, what happened? I was away from the computer for three days (three, mind you), and I find out the world has started disintegrating while I wasn't looking. Sandra Dee died, Hunter S. Thompson committed suicide, and then, as the proverbial icing on the cake, Paris Hilton's Sidekick II was hacked. (Guess which of the three grabbed the most headlines?)

Feb 18, 2005

Gems From This Morning's Metro

I know some of you out there disparage the free morning papers, but I have to say that I'm okay with Metro. First of all, the Metro guy and I smile and say good morning to each other every day, so that's kind of a pleasant routine. Second, it's a convenient way to get a quick appraisal of the day's news (yes, I do read the Times and other sources later to get fuller versions of the stories), and third, sometimes the writers are rather witty. For example, the caption for a photo of Keanu Reeves in Constantine read:

Keanu Reeves tries really hard to emote in the convoluted 'Constantine.'

Not to mention that the very next page featured this stunning quote from Edward Furlong, regarding last year's lobster-freeing escapade:

"Lobsters are people too. Lobsters-- they are great spirits and they need to roam free. I know it was a bad idea. And, of course, you read it everywhere afterward and you get to [the] set and people are like, 'Hey, Lobster Boy!' All I did was free their little claws, man. They wanted to be free."

You just can't make up this shit. It's comic gold, I tell you.

Feb 17, 2005

Massive Rocks

How exciting: Researchers just confirmed that the Hope Diamond was indeed cut from the infamous French Blue, part of the French crown jewels stolen during the Revolution. The Hope is huge (45.52 carats), but the French Blue was 69 carats. Jesus, it could have been used as a doorknob. (Thanks, Don.)

Feb 16, 2005

The Gates Debacle Continues

Regardless of your stance on The Gates, this is a great picture.

Feb 15, 2005

Overkill

I sincerely doubt that this will come to pass, but how ridiculous would it be if the city banned the sale of spray paint just to prevent graffiti? It's hard enough to buy box cutters around here; it would be preposterous to be forced to schlep out of state just so you can repaint your lamp.

Feb 14, 2005

(Mis)Information

A few weekends ago I saw an exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum entitled I Wanna Be Loved By You: Photographs of Marilyn Monroe. While there were some undoubtedly beautiful photos in it, something bothered me about it, and I think I just figured out what the problem was: The exhibit gave plenty of little snippets of information, but too often focused on only what was shown in the photograph. For example, there were photos of Marilyn entertaining the troops in Korea, but not enough background information, such as the fact that she caught pneumonia because she insisted upon performing in a skimpy dress because she didn't want to disappoint the soldiers by appearing swathed in a parka. (Even though it began snowing.)Also, some of the information was just plain wrong, such as one comment about how Marilyn seductively removed her gloves during the "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" number in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, when her gloves remained in place throughout the entire routine. (It's perfectly obvious that she couldn't possibly have removed them with the number of bracelets she was wearing.) Not to mention that some of the info was confusing, such as when the caption for either this picture or this one (I don't remember which) mentioned something about Marilyn's lying down on red velvet, when she wasn't actually lying down in either, but in this photo. I know it seems nitpicky, but if you're going to go through the trouble of amassing a slew of gorgeous photos and mounting what is supposed to be an extensive exhibition, it should be pretty damn thorough and error-free.

Note: The last three images are technically NSFW, but they're nudes of Marilyn, so it's art, for heaven's sake. Your boss will understand.

Feb 11, 2005

Death of a Playwright

Arthur Miller is dead. Pretty bloody depressing. I signed up to go see him speak on a panel of authors (with Candace Bushnell, of all people) a few years back, but the event was cancelled and I was rather disappointed. Now I guess I've missed my chance.

Feb 10, 2005

Nuts

Okay, so what is up with the proliferation of British people ripping off their own or others' testicles? Is it some sort of epidemic? Has mad cow disease somehow mutated into mad balls disease?

On a minorly related note (yeah, this is how my mind works), I read a funny joke the other day: Why is PMS called PMS? Because mad cow disease was already taken.

Legos + the Bible = Fun for All!

You know you have way too much time on your hands when you act out scenes from the Bible with Legos, photograph them, and post them online. It is keeping me amused, though.

Feb 8, 2005

What Is It? Damned If I Know.

By popular demand, here is the trailer for Crispin Glover's feature film What Is It?. Which is a very good question and one that I in no way propose to answer. I think McFly has officially gone off the deep end. Also, be forewarned: The link is temperamental and may not work right now. It's worth trying again, though.

Feb 7, 2005

Hammer = Vermin

I think this might be the best line I've ever heard about (M.C.) Hammer:

Man, this guy will not stay down! He's like a cockroach with little, baggy pants around its thorax.

The Verdict

Well, the long-awaited event finally took place: I watched the first full episode of American Dad last night. And I was pleasantly surprised. Is it as good as Family Guy? Not by a long shot. Is it funny? Hell yeah. Here are my qualms:

1. None of the characters is as spectacularly dumb as Peter Griffin. This is a comic flaw.
2. A German-speaking goldfish and a flamboyant alien still don't equal the genius of Brian and Stewie.
3. None of the characters seem particularly fleshed-out; however, I think time will rectify this problem.
4. Roger's Paul Lynde voice could become exceedingly annoying.

But, overall, I think the series shows promise. Some scenes, like the shot of the German skier with the brain of a goldfish, were hysterical and I think a lot of the kinks can be ironed out over the course of more episodes. I'll wait to pass final judgment until May 1, when the season starts in earnest.

On a side note, I most emphatically disagree with Alessandra Stanley's recent article for the Times. One of her complaints about American Dad was that the terrorism and Bush-Cheney jokes seemed dated; personally, I found them topical and fairly funny. When the main character is a paranoid, hyperactive CIA agent who looks back upon the Reagan era with fondness, I think silly and overblown political gags are appropriate.

As Afshin already pointed out, Stanley's concluding statement ("American Dad" has amusing moments and engaging characters, but it is to "The Simpsons" what Japanese anime is to Disney's "Fantasia": fashionable, but crude and cheaply drawn in comparison.) is a ridiculous analogy. While I take issue with her belittlement of anime, some of which is excellent, I also think she shot herself in the foot with her rave review of the post-Super Bowl episode of The Simpsons. Although it did contain some funny moments, I thought it was largely weak, ended on an anticlimax, and was a mishmash of plots, none of which were fully realized. I expect better from The Simpsons.

Feb 3, 2005

Errors Abound

Grab the opportunity to create your own version of one of those obnoxious, usually incomprehensible error messages. Oh, and I now understand how all your base are belong to us.

Feb 2, 2005

Coallation Complete

Hallelujah, free at last! Am done coallating and can now return to the scintillating world of writing biographies of people I find completely uninteresting.

Jan 31, 2005

Coallation of the Unwilling

Yeah, I've been drafted into coallating crap for my company, despite the fact that my job description is staff writer. Coallating sucks. My hands are really dry and paper cut to bits.

Jan 27, 2005

Bits and Bobs

Just wanted to apologize for being a bad little blogger. I'm swamped at work, so postings have been/may be a bit sporadic for the time being. Plus, all the news at the moment is so bloody depressing: tsunamis, train wrecks, the Iraq death toll, the return of The Simple Life . . .

Jan 25, 2005

How I Loathe Thee, Maureen Dowd

Okay, I figured I should get this out and on the record once and for all: I loathe Maureen Dowd. While I don't necessarily disagree with her point of view, I detest her writing style. She generally choses an obvious topic, depicts it one-sidedly, and trots out all the SAT prep vocab words she can stuff into one editorial. Whenever possible, she invokes lengthy, overblown metaphors, too. I would sincerely like to know how she managed to secure a regular column at the Times. That's all. And I'd like to gut her like a fish.

Here and here are some recent examples of her spectacularly lousy columns.

Jan 21, 2005

New From the Department of Fucked Up Shit

As if it weren't bad enough that a recent parolee snatched two purses, robbed three banks, raped a woman, and stole a car (all since his release from prison in December, no less), he pistol-whipped a Catholic nun. (Oh yeah-- he stole her pocketbook and her car and broke her nose, too.) Next he's planning on anally raping your mother while pouring sugar in your gas tank.

Jan 20, 2005

Animals on the Underground

Ah, I finally remembered to link to this site. It's silly, sure, but endearing. And who knew that a wombat looked like that?

Jan 19, 2005

Not What Peter Jackson Had in Mind . . .

Even though today is a spectacularly bad day, this made me laugh. So you know it has to be pretty damn funny. (Thanks, Zack.)

Jan 18, 2005

Important Info

If you're half as excited as I am, I'm sure you'll appreciate the following public service announcements:

The new season of Family Guy begins at 9/8c on May 1st (on Fox).

American Dad premieres on Fox at 9:30/8:30c on May 1st, with a sneak preview episode airing on February 6th after the Super Bowl.

Jan 14, 2005

Rusty the Narcoleptic Dachshund

This may be one of the funniest things you'll ever see. Simultaneously hysterical and adorable. (Thanks, Terence.)

Jan 13, 2005

In Case You Give a Damn About Ashlee Simpson

For the many of you who somehow missed seeing this clip, here it is: Ashlee Simpson, sounding like a dying cat and getting justifiably booed at the Orange Bowl. Just wanted to share.

Also, if you, like so many others, find Ashlee Simpson offensive and/or irritating, you can always sign the Stop Ashlee Simpson petition.

Jan 12, 2005

Bound to Lead to Confusion

In a further testament to the sad little life I lead, this is the funniest thing I've seen all day: Pen Island. Lest you not get the humor, look at the URL. (Thanks, Terence.)

Jan 11, 2005

Dear Chester Eleganté . . .

Oh, there's so much to love in Strong Bad's newest email. Not the least of which is the Cadbury Creme Egg omelette. Mmm, Cadbury Creme Eggs . . .

Jan 10, 2005

Kicking It to the Little Lady in the Booty

This short is about as tactful as the abovementioned title. Gotta love the retro '50s styling, though.

Jan 6, 2005

Jon Stewart Knows Best

So Tucker Carlson is going, as is Crossfire itself. Good. Evidently new CNN president Jonathan Klein "agree[s] wholeheartedly with Jon Stewart's overall premise." Good bye obnoxious little bow tie.

Jan 5, 2005

In Defense of Gift Cards

It seems that there has been a lot of controversy as of late over the humble gift card. Slate's Daniel Gross complains that gift cards are evil on three counts:

1) . . . every moment you don't use it, Wal-Mart or some other giant retailer is collecting interest on the giver's cash.

2) When you go to redeem it, chances are you'll end up spending some of your own coin.

3) And it probably reflects the giver's implicit criticism of your poor taste and untrustworthiness.

However, there are obvious rebuttals to each of these points, which does not mean that the information is incorrect, but that Gross's slant on the facts is unnecessarily negative. Here goes:

1) So the retailer collects interest on the giver's cash as long as the gift card remains unredeemed. So what? It's not a secret that retailers are in business to make money and, as long as the retailer neither charges the consumer interest nor devaluates the gift card over time, what difference does it make? If I've somehow misunderstood the economics going on here, please correct me. Thus far, I don't see any harm in the practice.
2) Yes, you probably will shell out some of your own cash beyond the value of the gift card. Not necessarily, but it is likely. I think the issue here is whether or not you have been given a card to a store that you frequent or one where you seldom shop. For example, let's say you've been given a Neiman Marcus card. However, as Neiman Marcus tends to be rather expensive, you virtually never shop there. In that case, you might feel forced to buy something just because you've been given a card. Then (unless it's a card of an extremely generous denomination), you will probably exceed the value and dip into your own funds. If, on the other hand, you've been given a card to a retailer like Barnes & Noble (where, for the sake of argument, we'll assume you often shop), you can use the card to pay for at least a portion of a purchase you otherwise would have made entirely with your own cash. So, while it is likely that you'll spend some of your own money in excess of the card (let's face it-- how many purchases total exactly $10, $25, or $50?), if you've been given a card to a retailer you already frequent, it chops some of the cost off of your purchase. While it may not be an ideal system, it's not bad.

3) And the gift of a card does not automatically indicate the giver's distrust or criticism of your taste. Sure, if it's a gift card from Great Aunt Millicent who hasn't seen you since you were six years old, it's probably going to be a better reflection of her taste than of yours (and of the fact that she still thinks you're six). But, as long as the giver knows you, a gift card is often just as thoughtful, sometimes more logical, and shows as much (if not more) trust in or approval of your taste as any other present. Again, an example: Your hypothetical parents live in a different state. They know you need some things for your new apartment, such as new sheets, some pans that still retain their Teflon coating, and possibly an upgraded blender or toaster. But they also know that there's a Bed & Bath only four blocks from your apartment. So instead of buying you heavy pans that you'll then have to lug across state lines in your suitcase, they give you a highly portable gift card that you appreciate. And, unlike cash, which you might fritter away on groceries or a Metrocard before even realizing that you'd spent it, the gift card is already earmarked for your present.

Essentially, I do think that well-thought out, well-chosen presents are usually more meaningful than gift cards. But I don't think that gift cards deserve the thorough vilification they've been dealt lately. They can be practical, appropriate, and very much appreciated.

Jan 4, 2005

That Not-So-Fresh Feeling

If this is really how guys feel when feminine hygiene product commercials are shown on tv, then it's roughly how I feel during the toenail fungus ads. Rather catchy, though, and I love the Rockette kick-line of ointments. (Thanks, Screenhead.)