Rattlebee My Ass

I detest and despise the omnipresent commercials for McCain frozen fries. I don't know what else to say. I'm filled with such loathing . . .

I Have Been Heard

I just noticed that the link to the shirt mentioned in the 3.26.04 entry now directs you to the main page, no longer to that specific shirt. And I can't find that shirt again, so, with any luck, they've stopped selling it and I no longer have to pity the illiterate fools who might otherwise have bought it. I guess someone finally spell-checked the shirt, which read, "I'd rather be masterbating."

Dirty Candy

Mmmm, creamy balls and asse.

The Nipple That Broke the Camel's Back

Bill Maher is hysterical. I may get interested in politics yet.

Personally, I'd Rather Be Mistressbating

Man, do I feel sorry for the poor, illiterate schmucks who bought this shirt.

Why can't my crappy show become iconic?

Don't we all ask ourselves that question? It's by far the best line in this entertaining article on Slate. Also, it somehow calms my loathing for Scooby-Doo. Now Scrappy-Doo-- there's nothing redeeming about that little motherfucker.

The Stench of Pretentious Art

Oh, yeah. For the record, Damien Hirst is a douchebag. He has an “artwork,” entitled Armageddon, on display at the Guggenheim right now. From a distance, it looks like a huge slab of chunky, rough asphalt. From close up, it’s a canvas covered in tons of dead houseflies, a few of which had fallen off the canvas and onto the floor. Gross. I also wondered how he managed to collect so many flies. Maybe they were attracted by the stench of his other pieces of “art.” For a charming example of his other works, see this article.

Dental Inferno

This is ridiculous. Even I, of the flashing bracelets and glow-in-the-dark nailpolish, would never consider putting one of these jammies in my mouth. Although these might have some interesting side effects. One thing's for sure: never again will anyone ask you for a blowjob after seeing your mouth turned into a neon hellhole.

Greetings from the North Pole!

Once again, it is so incredibly cold in the office that I've got my hood up and am typing while wearing gloves. I'm also doing leg lifts at my desk just to keep the circulation going. These arctic conditions aren't constant at the office, just frequent. There are very seldom any efforts made to amend the situation. And then the man gets all annoyed when we take sick days. If only the man would be so generous as to turn on the heat . . .

If I wanted to hear what you had to say, I'd take my cock out of your mouth.

Yeah, that's a great line. It's on a t-shirt here, but I personally wouldn't want to wear that statement. Just say it. A lot.

Morimoto Is the Man.

Iron Chef = food porn.

Amazon Idiots

I am aware that there are many idiots in the world, but why must they all post reviews on Amazon? It's not so much that I mind the stupidity, but that I detest the summarizing. If I am contemplating buying a book or dvd, I might want to read your opinion of it. I might want to know a bit about the subject matter. What I do not want is a usually inane, often incorrect summary of the plot. But some people find the need to post virtual book reports like the sixth review on this page. Honestly, Amazon should impose a word limit. It has become imperative. If we can't silence all the backward-ass fucks in the world, we can at least abbreviate their rants.

Okay, so maybe it's not entirely ethical/legal/desirable to completely silence all the fucks in the world, regardless of how ass-backward they may be. But I stand by the abbreviation comment.

Note: Isn't it great that both ass-backward and backward-ass are acceptable terms? Yeah reversibility.

Correction

It has been pointed out that my entry on 3.16.2004 is misleading. To clarify, I should say that my friend's responses were not totally, as in completely, scripted, but were partially scripted. The totally in question was intended for a Valley Girlish emphasis.

Better Than Poetry in Motion

This is a great idea. And it might possibly motivate me to write a new short story or two. Or at least to refurbish an old one, which is better than nothing.

"Reality" TV

So I was chatting with a friend who had been on a reality tv show (Fifth Wheel, not that I've ever heard of it before), who said that her responses were totally scripted. Hopefully, this recollection of a personal experience might convince those who believe in reality tv that it is not, indeed, real.

Vocab Lesson

Hell, sometimes faux words are the best. In the grand tradition of Shakespeare and Lewis Carroll, here are two surprisingly useful new words:

stairwellian adj – referring to something too secretive for public discussion or display, i.e. something that must be discussed in a more discreet location such as a stairwell. (pronounced like Orwellian).

viscivious adj – evilly lecherous; a combination of lascivious and vicious. Word courtesy of the lovely Caroline, definition assigned later.

Bloggity blog blog.

Hmm . . . This article is interesting, but I largely find myself disagreeing with it. Sure, Gawker and Wonkette may not be the most thoughtful, lasting, or considerate blogs, but they're witty and usually on target. While the sniping and bitchiness can be overmuch sometimes, it's often not without affection. And, unlike Jack Shafer, I do not regret that the brevity of the Wonkette and Gawker entries; if they were thousands of words long, it would be overkill, no longer funny, simply vicious. I think that a healthy way to think of these sites is as entertaining conduits to information. Read nasty little comments, then click on the links to objective (or usually less biased, at least) reports. Fun, brief, informational, crankily endearing.

Note that I managed to write this entire entry without once using the word snarky. It's more overused than even schadenfreude.

Teacher's pet

Is it wrong to find the Police's "Don't Stand So Close to Me" such a turn-on?

R.I.P.

It has been officially confirmed that Spalding Gray is dead. Just watch even one of his filmed monologues and try to not care about this man. What a waste.

Baaaa.

aboiement /ah bwah MAHN/ n – involuntary blurting of animal noises, such as barking. (Definition courtesy of Depraved and Insulting English by Peter Novobatzky and Ammon Shea).

In truth, I am out to improve the world's vocabulary, one word at a time.

Prolific Pinup

Damn, yo. I'm starting to feel all prolific. I had better set up the archive section soon. Correction: I had better get my little man to set up the archive section.

I should very much like to know, though, why I can think of something of some (debatable) value to say just about every day on my blog, but I'm still on page two of the novel I started last fall. Bah.

Awesome

Just so everyone knows, Buttercup (of the Powerpuff Girls fame) is voiced by E.G. (Elizabeth) Daily. Daily appeared as the singer who's so '80s it's painful in the dance scene in Better Off Dead. How nuts is that? Pretty effing nuts.

Damn straight, Dramarama.

Give me candy, give me diamonds, give me pills. Give me anything I want, hundred dollar bills.

It's a nice day for a white wedding . . . It's a nice day to start again

The institution of marriage comes with a lot of baggage. More than enough for the honeymoon, in fact.

For example, both the surviving custom of carrying the bride over the threshold and the now-discontinued practice of parting the bride’s hair with the tip of a spear symbolize the once common concept of marriage by capture. Similarly, the father’s giving away of the bride represents that marriage was once (and still is, in some cultures) a financial transaction, whereby the father transferred his property (his daughter) to a new owner (the groom). The kiss indicated not romance, but the seal on the contract. The role of the best man was originally to support the groom in fighting resistance from the bride’s family when the groom went out to capture a wife. And the bride traditionally stands to the groom’s left because, in Anglo-Saxon England, the groom would have needed his right hand free for his sword. I suppose marriage-by-capture wouldn’t make you very popular. So, if we want to be egalitarian about it, we should really scrap all of the traditions and begin again. Chances are, though, that we’re not going to do that.

Since it’s not bloody likely that we’re going to start afresh, we just adapt and refine the traditions that we have. Not a virgin? Wear white anyway. Don’t like the father-daughter handoff? Walk down the aisle alone. Don’t want a wedding at all? Schlep over to city hall for a quick, no-frills, but perfectly legal ceremony. Want to be married by an Elvis impersonator? Head down to Vegas. Want to marry someone of the same sex? Oops.

The problem is that, when many people think of the concept of marriage, they think of a big, white, religious wedding. But that’s simply not what marriage is. It might be one component of a marriage (and an optional one at that), but it doesn’t define the institution. These same people are uncomfortable with the image of two men trading vows in their matching tuxes. The whole marriage debate is then a matter of semantics. If the government is willing to grant gays and lesbians the perks of being married in the form of a civil union, they might as well call it what it is—a marriage.

Sensei argues that marriage is inherently religious and, ideally, should be banned entirely and replaced with legal unions. I disagree. Marriage has always been as much, if not more than, about economics as about religion. I maintain that granting gays the right to legally marry should in no way threaten the religious. There is, or should be, a separation of church and state for good reason. If a religion does not want to perform or recognize same-sex marriages, so be it. That is the prerogative of each religion. But the laws of this, an ostensibly secular country, should not be made by the religious right. Everyone needs to overcome the fear of two brides on top of the cake.

Check Out the Merchandise--No, Really.

We must all thank NewYorkish for this fascinating tidbit: Neuticles. I never before knew how many people won't neuter their pets not because they think it's cruel, but because their pets are going to look funny. Well, here's a load off their minds. Thanks to Neuticles, pets no longer have to suffer the shame of being called no-nuts by vicious squirrels in the park.

Dogs and Babies

Now that the weather is getting nice (well, perhaps not today, as it's rainy and grey), I've noticed an abundance of dogs and babies. Evidently, as soon as the weather starts warming up, people decide that it's time to turn the indoor baby and indoor dog into indoor/outdoor accessories. Warm weather demands festive accoutrements, and dogs and babies are the chic choices.

That does present a problem for me, though. I just realized that I'm a chronic dog-and-baby-smiler-atter. As in I smile at dogs (well, the cute ones), babies (again, the cute ones), and their owners (provided the dog or baby is cute, the owner doesn't have to be). Basically, in nice weather, I walk around continuously grinning like an idiot.

Cleaning up . . . or not

Yeah, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King totally cleaned up at the Oscars last night. (Here's the list of winners, if you really care.) Somehow, it was slighted in the Best Foriegn Language Film category, though; despite all the Elvish and other assorted faux languages, Return of the King wasn't even nominated. C'est dommage.

Although Peter Jackson surely knew that he was going to be marching up to that little podium many times last night, he obviously didn't think the occasion merited either a pre-Oscars bath or a quick hair brushing. That's how it was easy to identify his wife, too. She was the only other person at the ceremony who looked half as disheveled as Jackson did.