Behind the Clown Nose . . .

I knew that clowns weirded me out for a good reason. This is just so wrong.

Serves Him Fucking Right

A spammer was sentenced to seven years in prison yesterday. He had sent more than 850 million junk emails. And he claims that there were no victims. Ha!

From the Department of the Obvious

This is an excerpt from the statement on the side of the Yogi Tea brand Fasting Tea (which supposedly suppresses appetite):

Drink throughout the day for up to 10 cups per day. If you are on a reduced calorie diet, this is an excellent way to maintain energy.

So I'll lose weight if I drink 10 cups of tea a day? You think? No shit, man. I'll be a) full of liquid so I won't feel much like eating and b) spend so much time in the freaking bathroom that I won't have time to eat.

Wearing Pants, Listening to Songs About Pixelated Plumbers

Once again, Songs To Wear Pants To is amusing me. Check out today's entry, entitled "Super Mario Brothers Theme (Original Nintendo is Awesome Remix)." It's a classic.

Cranky

I have a headache, a stomachache, and an intermittent nosebleed. And I still don't know where I'm going to live-- as of Saturday. So screw you all if you're looking for something witty. I'm not witty today; I'm cranky.

Not to Give Anyone Any Ideas . . .

I'm sure having facial hair like this is some sort of achievement. But I wonder how many of these achievers have dates lined up.

Oh, Kevin Spacey, I Love You So.

Kevin Spacey's being all productive.

Damn, I really want to see The Philadelphia Story revival. But it's in London. That's a problem. I guess I'll just have to rewatch the film. Oh C.K. Dexter Haaaaaven! Hell, everyone should see The Philadelphia Story. It's just an excellent film.

The Goonies [socks] 'R' Good Enough

Yo, I want these socks.

Fucking Like . . . Well, Bunnies

Okay, it's not my ideal choice for a watch design, but Swatch recently premiered a new design called the Bunnysutra-- which, as its name suggests, has, instead of numbers, pictures of little cartoon bunnies in a variety of Kama Sutra positions. So that's pretty weird.

But then Swatch puts up a big ass billboard in Times Square, thereby pissing off the tourists. Then the fur starts flying.

As a side note, you've gotta love that the Post quotes a woman from Mahwah.

Fo' Shizzle, Y'all

If there weren't already enough time-wasters out there, it's the Snoop Dogg Shizzolator! Yep, this site will transform any ordinary, well-written site into shizzolicious Snoop-speak. Try it out, dawg.

Actually, Terror Is a Noun

We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui.
--excerpted from Jon Stewart's commencement speech to the 2004 graduating class of William & Mary

In spite of that little slip-up, it's still a damn funny speech. Check it out.

Charmkins = Scented Toys/Jewelry. (No, I'm not making it up.)

Yo, I was beginning to think that the Charmkins were nothing more than a childhood fantasy or some drug-induced hallucination. Thanks to this site (and a few select others), I can once again revel in the glory of the Charmkins.

Lover Doll Come Back

Tony Randall died last night. Let's hope that, wherever he is, he doesn't have Jayne Mansfield squealing at him any more. (And no, I don't suppose you will understand the title of this post unless you've seen both Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter? and Lover Come Back.)

Barely Legal . . . Or Almost Barely Legal

Here's a site for all you borderline pedophiles out there (and no, it's not porn). Now go ahead and indulge your Olsen twin fantasies. I'll just hope you're thinking of the Olsen twins now, not back in their Full House days. That's just not right.

The Ninja Stylings of Donald Rumsfeld

Admittedly, I haven't had much sleep. But I thought this was funny.

The Lemur: The Monkey's Retarded Cousin

Poor lemurs. They've been maligned all along. It turns out that they're not as dumb as we thought. Actually, I never really considered their intelligence. I usually get as far as thinking, "Aww, lemurs are cute!" It ends there.

You're Already Guilty, So Go Ahead and Cocksmack Her

In the May issue of Jane magazine the monthly Web Rant asks, "Should women be jailed or just fined for falsely accusing men of rape?" Okay, interesting question. Of the respondents, 73% said jailed, 16% said fined, and 11% weren't sure. That's not my problem. My problem is with one of the excerpted responses. One Katie Castellana replied:

Definitely just have a fine. Keep in mind that no man is ever innocent. Think of what that scumbag must have done to deserve being accused of rape.

Jesus! No man is ever innocent? And, the last time I checked, sometimes people do get unfairly accused. Sometimes people have done nothing to deserve being accused. Sometimes accusers are crazy or disturbed-- like this woman seems to be.

Don't Let the Chucks Fool You-- I'm Not Really a Hipster

As I've long suspected, I'm not a hipster. (Hey, I am leaving Park Slope, after all.) How about you?

The FDA: Government Bitch

This makes me so angry. Evidently, women can't read labels on hypothetical morning-after pill packages. Maybe we should take cough syrup and antihistamines off the shelves, too.

How frustrating. Making the morning-after pill available over the counter is such a good idea. I suppose it's likely that some people will abuse it (inasmuch as any method of birth control can be abused), but I don't see it as a license for rampant promiscuity. Certainly no more than condoms are, since the pill doesn't prevent the tranmission of diseases. No, I think this is a great idea for those oh-crap-the-condom-broke situations that are bound to occur. With the current hassle of having to go through a doctor to get a prescription for the morning-after pill, too many women wait it out until their next periods, hoping that they won't be pregnant. The anxiety isn't worth it, especially when having a readily available over the counter morning-after pill would could so easily alleviate such fears.

Even Rich People Get Screwed

Yo, hearing this about Anna Wintour somehow makes it more acceptable that I'm moving in with friends who may be evicted. Of course, it makes me like her even less, but that's not saying much.

The Joy of Pasties

The 2004 New York Burlesque Festival is coming to town and I'm totally psyched. I may be poor, but I'm going.

Truly, Truly, Truly Outrageous!

One of my dearest wishes has just been realized: Jem is now out on DVD. Now if they'd only just release She-Ra, too. She-Ra was even better than Jem (and that's saying a lot).

This Explains So Much . . .

I'm sure we all know at least one of these people. Sometimes you like them, most of the time you want to throttle them. Well, it turns out there's a medical explanation. Go figure.