Ho Ho No

Surely this is a joke: Some Australian Santa Clauses have been told to say "ha ha ha" instead of "ho ho ho," as the latter may be offensive to women. You've got to be freaking kidding me. The only way I'd take offense is if Santa pointed at me and said, "Bitch, you're a ho ho ho." And even then I'd probably forgive him if he gave me some really good presents.

Family Matters

So I'm confused: Who wrote these Seth MacFarlane-less episodes of Family Guy? And if Seth MacFarlane's not involved, who the hell is providing the voices for, oh, half the characters?

Oh, and the baby's not named Stewis Griffin, people. Not sure who to blame for that typo, but my inner spelling Nazi won't let it slide.

THEY'RE IN UR SLATE TAKING OVER UR NEWS

Okay, it's official. Lolcats have taken over the world. See this Slate article for further proof.

And Tinky Winky Rejoiced

Jerry Falwell is dead. Well, that's one person who I can stop wishing dead. I must confess to being rather disappointed that he didn't die in some sort of compromising position, but I suppose we can't have everything.

£20,000 for That Face? Her?

There's something tragic about the story of Shahnaz Khan, a woman who has spent £20,000 on face lifts, peels, permanent makeup, the surgical construction of a dimple, etc., all in the hope of landing a wealthy husband. It would be weird but not nearly as pathetic if she said that she'd had all these surgeries for herself—most of us do some sort of sprucing up or other to please ourselves, be it dyeing hair, getting tattoos, or even just wearing certain clothes. But devoting a decade of your life and all of your money to completely overhauling your appearance specifically for the purpose of attracting a spouse is...well, degrading. Even sadder (and yes, I do feel rather bitchy writing this) is paying that much money for a face that's only moderately attractive. (And the tattooed eyebrows were definitely a mistake.)
Perhaps Khan wouldn't be a 41-year-old virgin baselessly pinning her hopes on a man she hadn't spoken to in 10 years (and has yet to go on a single date with) if she'd spend the last decade socializing and dating instead of spending all her time and money undergoing repeated cosmetic surgeries.

Pastafarian Pirate Protests Punishment

Hm. Maybe the ACLU should jump on this one: A North Carolina student who was suspended for wearing pirate garb to school is claiming that the punishment is in violation of his religion, Pastafarianism (otherwise known as the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster). I would just like to know what's wrong with wearing pirate regalia to school anyway. I mean, Pastafarianism or no Pastafarianism, dressing like a pirate is awesome. (Thanks Zack.)

One Sick Fuck (Continued)

Update: Apparently, a suspect has been arrested in the case I mentioned previously involving the beheading of a missing dog. The suspect is an ex-boyfriend of the teenage dog owner.

One Sick Fuck

This is one of the most fucked-up things I've heard in a long time: After weeks of looking for her missing dog, a 17-year-old girl found its head—gift-wrapped in a box—on her doorstep. That's fucking horrible: sick, sad, twisted, cruel. What sort of demented bastard would do that?

A Baby is Not a Weapon

What the fuck is wrong with some people? During a fight with her boyfriend, a woman named Chytoria Graham wielded her four-week-old baby like a bat, using the kid to hit her boyfriend. The baby suffered a fractured skull but is otherwise okay and now in the custody of his grandmother...who's also looking after Graham's four other children. Why do people like this have one child, let alone five?

Disgust is an Emotion, Too

I can't even begin to properly express my disgust at this exploitative, sensationalist, and, above all, clueless news story about the perils of being emo. (Thanks for the heads-up, Afshin.)

Go Fly a Kite—Now a Death Threat!

You know there's something wrong when a kite-flying festival is marred by 11 deaths. Eleven. Deaths. At a kite-flying festival. What the fuck is wrong with the world (particularly the participants in this event)? (Via reddit.)